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NEW YORK - For years, resin figurines of Hindu deities have adorned the houses and even altars of ISKCON devotees. While these hand painted miniatures of Siva, Laxmi and baby Krishna go unnoticed, collecting dust upon countless whatnot shelves, the most recent edition from Hindu-Tacki Collectibles has stirred undeniable controversy and, according to some, has led the the degradation of the human race.

The Ganesha Lingam Fountain features Ganesha, the elephant-headed demigod, hugging a Shiva Lingam. According to the manufacturer’s website and catalog, “water flows from top of lingam into lotus flower; internal light in his body glows in the dark.”

The contention seems to have been started by concerned area brahmacari, Mahasucaha das, who, in an angrily written letter to the GBC, described the sculpture as “a raunchy display of Hindu impersonalism at its worst” and demanded that it be taken out of circulation immediately.

The controversial icon went unnoticed by senior devotees until the most recent annual GBC (ISKCON’s Governing Body Commission) meetings. A special top-secret caucus was called to discuss Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s decision to release the fountain.

While the discussions of the meeting are held under tight confidentiality, the exposure of the figurine has stunned many ISKCON devotees.

Immediately following the special caucus, six prominent sannyasis, including three gurus in good standing, publicly stepped down, unable to maintain their strict vows.

“How could I continue in the saffron dress of a renunciate after seeing such an abominable image?” asked Ahirikam das, former sannyasi.

Several other ex-sannyasis are also struggling with their return to householder life, one even marrying the first woman he saw. “If I didn’t marry a woman, the fountain would have made me think so many abominable thoughts.” said newlywed Upadana das.

“Since viewing the fountain of water spurting from the lingam, I have been unable to think of anything else for days, even weeks,” reveled ex-sannyasis Moha das, adding “I am frightened of continuing such a deviant lifestyle.”

Hindu-Tacki Collectibles CEO, Dandal Patel, issued a press release stating he “sees nothing wrong with Ganesha hugging a Lingham with water spurting from its tip.” However, even with the public outcry in mind, he refuses to consider pulling the Lingham fountain from circulation.

Sannyasis weren’t the only victims of this bawdy knick knack. Seven of ISKCON’s thirteen American brahmacaris put on white after hearing of such a display. Dvesha das, ex-brahmacari, relates, “This is just another attempt by corporate Hinduism to proliferate immoral ideals throughout ISKCON.”

Unable to cope with the shock of the figurine, a two of the seven ex-brahmacaris left ISKCON completely, purchasing a pastel-colored historical row house in San Francisco’s Sunset District.

Due to Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s failure to immediately act upon their wishes, the GBC declared the statue “amoral.” Though many individual temple gift shops have curbed the sale of it, the GBC stopped short of placing a movement-wide ban upon the lurid sculpture of the Lingham.

Instead, they issued a decree that every package containing the Ganesha Lingham fountain be labeled with a Renunciate Advisory sticker to “warn sannyasis and brahmacaris that the contents of the package may be offensive and detrimental to their spiritual wellbeing.”

“Hopefully the movement can recover from this hardship,” said GBC spokesperson Satyendra Nandi, “our job is to focus on the important issues effecting the devotees spiritual lives.” He added, “And today, we can most definitely claim big, big victory.”

The newest influx of recruits to the area Hare Krishna temple are eager and willing to do any service at all for the pleasure of Sri Sri Radha-Krishna and the devotees. However, they’re in a holding pattern until they can be placed on the temple’s payroll.

Typically, this waiting period is 2-3 business days, the time it takes for temple treasurer Nandakumar Gupta to prepare the papers for the IRS and accountant, Larry Spigman.

“Usually we are very quick,” says Gupta from behind a stack of W-4 forms. “But now Larry is busy with so many things. We are very quickly searching for new accountant.”

The arrival of new devotees was at an all-time low, until the temple board decided to hire full time sankirtana workers. These full time employees, many who were out-of-work TV commercial actors, work 40 hours a week chanting, dancing and distributing books on the corner of Maple and High Streets. The results of their labor are obvious.

“Normally, we’d get one or two new bhaktas a month, but now we get four or five a week,” said bhakta leader Balanga das, adding, “It’s really hard to keep up with all the paperwork.”

In the past month, the temple has taken on over 20 new bhaktas. Nearly all of these bhaktas are awaiting the processing of their work papers.

“I just want to mop a floor or clean some pots,” says new convert, Bhakta Todd, “I can’t wait to get in there and do some real seva.”

Bhakta Joe, who joined up with Bhakta Todd, agreed, “I don’t get it, why can’t we clean the temple or a bathroom or two?”

Some congregational members suggested that the temple pay the new bhaktas “under the table.” But, according to temple authorities, working “under the table” (the practice of paying a worker without reporting it to the IRS) is something that the temple would never do. “It is simply wrong,” say Gupta, “for a bhakta to earn wages and not report, it is robbery, he is criminal.”

Another problem addressed at an emergency temple board meeting is that if the rate of new bhaktas does not soon decrease, the temple will be unable to pay the new adherents, even after the paperwork is sorted out.

“We are given only so much laxmi for payroll,” say Gupta, “we are now having to turn new devotees away, we have no more positions to fill.”

The temple board has also placed a hiring freeze on new bhaktas. The sankirtan workers can still go out to collect laxmi, but for now they are not allowed to bring back any new recruits.

“I just don’t know what to do,” said a visibly upset Jason Marsh, who has been studying Srila Prabhupada’s books, classes and conversations for over a year, “I wanted to join the temple, be in the association of devotees, to do some service.”

When Marsh was told about the hiring freeze, he asked the sankirtana manager, “Hiring freeze? Didn’t Srila Prabhupada say that temple devotees shouldn’t get salaries? I just want to do service, I don’t want to get paid, I just want to do it for free.”

The sankirtana manager replied by saying, “Prabhu, you can quote Srila Prabhupada all you want, but to work at the temple, you have to be on payroll. Anything else just isn’t practical.”

Back at the temple, the new bhaktas have been told to read from Srila Prabhupada’s books until the paperwork can be processed, however, even that practice has been called into question.

“Srila Prabhupada says that even reading his books is devotional service,” says temple board member Ravi Patel, “how can a devotee perform devotional service when not on the temple payroll?” Adding, “you are asking for big, big lawsuit.”

NEW VRNDAVANA, WV — The New Vrndavana Accordion Ensemble announced their first tour in decades Monday at a rehearsal in the Guest Lodge as a throng of fans crowded near the legendary Palace of Gold.

Five of the original ensemble members led the Sunday feast program with a live performance of its hit “Within Vrndavana’s Woods and Groves.” The be-robed ensemble officially broke up in 1992, most of the members pursuing solo careers.

The New Vrndavana Accordion Ensemble plans to play temples, prasad halls and some festivals in a North American tour beginning May 9 for New Vrndavana’s Festival of Inspiration.

Some confirmed cities on the tour include Gita Nagari, Murari-sevaka, New Goloka, New Talavan, New Raman Reti, New Govardhana Hill, New Kusum Sarovara, New Jagannatha Puri, New Dwarka, Saranagati Dham, Bhaktivedanta Cultural Center, and several Festival of India Dates.

During the ensemble’s short, but exciting career, they rose to fame not only in America, but also in Japan, signing a two-cassette tape deal with Pony-Cannon Records. A short tour of Japan, starting at the New Gaya Dham court yard, is in the works.

If all goes as planned, the triumphant return of one of the most influential Hare Krishna accordion ensembles of the late 80’s may also be followed by a new studio album, industry insiders say.

It was originally reported that New Vrndavana’s choir, The Krishna Chorale, would also be reuniting to open for the accordion ensemble on tour, but blamed “artistic differences” in their failure to get back together. However, sources close to the Chorale report that “it would be a cold day in Patala-loka before the Krishna Chorale would open for those damn squeeze-boxers.”

Ticket prices for the North American leg will range from “doing a little seva” to $25. A portion of the tour’s proceeds will go to AccordionAid, an anti-poverty organization that provides slightly used accordions to temple residents.

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For a limited time only…

For only a very short time, the New Vrndavana Accordion Ensemble has given The Hing permission to sell limited edition NVAE tshirts (as pictured above).

They are available in sizes S, M, L and XL.

The shirts are hand-printed on black tshirts made in America. No sweatshop nonsense here, prabhus!

All shirts are $15 ppd (postage paid). And all purchases will go through paypal.

Haribol!!

EUGENE, OR - After 54 volumes of the well-received Memories of Srila Prabhupada series, ITV Productions has announced that it will immediately begin production on Memories of Memories of Srila Prabhupada, a new DVD series to preserve the memories of devotees as they recall their first viewings of the Memories of Srila Prabhupada series.

“We basically ran out of devotees to interview,” said Priyavaisnava devi dasi, spokesperson for ITV. “The first generation of Srila Prabhupada disciples have told their story. Now it’s time for the first generation of viewers to tell theirs.”

According to the ITV Productions website, this new series will contain “Nectarian interviews of devotees who have had personal viewing of the famous Memories of Srila Prabhupada series.” It continues, “Interviews with devotee who actually saw the original Memories of Srila Prabhupada reveal many sides to the Memories series, including poignant serious moments and light hearted humorous pastimes.”

Adding, “the Memories of Srila Prabhupada series has been around so long that few devotees can remember a time when it did not exist.”

While the exact release date of the early volumes of the original Memories of Srila Prabhupada series remains shrouded in mystery, several devotees can still recall their first viewing.

“I remember, it was probably two or three years after I joined up… or maybe it was when I moved to the Dallas temple…” said Krsna Prema dasa, adding “No, I got it, it was after I got back from my first time in India… or maybe it was my second, anyway, those videos were great.”

ITV has stated that they will be interviewing five or six devotees for each volume, starting with the devotees who joined up “sometime in the late 80’s or early 90’s.”

“The devotees who viewed the first several volumes of Memories of Srila Prabhupada have either blooped or are getting to the age where they soon won’t even remember viewing it,” said Priyavaisnava. “Time is now critical. It’s important that their memories are preserved for future generations.”

Keeping with their tradition of interviewing controversial devotees like Kirtananda das and Hamsadutta das, ITV plans on devoting an entire volume to Vraja Kishor das from the famous straightedge krishnacore band 108, who first viewed the series in the early 90’s while on tour with Shelter.

“Originally, we wanted to split that volume with Harley Flannigan of the Cro-Mags,” said Priyavaisnava, “but since Harley couldn’t even remember being a devotee, the entire volume went to Vraja.”

The Memories of Memories of Srila Prabhupada DVD series is projected to span 54 volumes, bringing this entire Prabhupada series total to an even 108, thus making it auspicious.

MILWAUKEE - Local temple authorities have announced that well-known husband and father, Parampati das, will be renouncing his married life and assuming the status of “retired grhasta.”

In a move that could be seen as controversial, the Grhasta Bargaining Committee has suggested that, rather than divorce, which is fit only for sudras, Parampati simply retires from the grhasta ashrama and will no longer present himself as a grhasta.

“For many years, our Parampati prabhu has struggled with his grhasta vows,” said temple spokesperson Shankar Mondal. “We are very fortunate to see that this will no longer be such an issue.”

With the drastic rise of divorce within ISKCON, this new precedent could greatly decrease those embarrassing numbers. “Many of our best grhastas are cheating on their wives, which is causing big, big divorce,” reports a Grhasata Bargaining Committee member. “This grhasta retirement practically ensures that scholars and the general public will once again take our movement seriously.”

Since his retirement, Parampati no longer presents himself as a married devotee, adding “my wife and children should simply take shelter of senior vaisnavas.”

Parampati still plans to attend temple programs regularly. In addition, according to temple authorities, he has recently been seen preaching to the karmis at various bars and pubs throughout the city.

“My life hasn’t really changed all that much,” Parampati says of his new status. “I am still preaching very nicely and traveling extensively.” Though, he admits that not everything is as it seems. “I find myself listening to a lot more REO Speedwagon that I previously did.” Adding, “A lot more.”

The Grhasta Bargaining Committee has formed a probation team, made up of other devotee husbands, to monitor Parampati’s progress and to see that he complies with an “open door policy on fun.” The probation team will accompany Parampati on his preaching tour traveling with Ozzfest 2008. “We believe that the reunion of the original members of Black Sabbath will provide fertile ground for preaching to the fallen, conditioned souls.”

Parampati plans to maintain the status of “retired grhasta” for as long as possible. Though in his later years, he hopes to take retired sannyasa initiation from a retired sannyasa guru.

CINCINNATI - Hundreds of fixed up brahmacaris rallied in front of the Charmin Toilet Paper Factory in Cincinnati, Ohio calling for a moratorium on the manufacturing of all bathroom tissue.

Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.

The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.

“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”

The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.

Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.

“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”

Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”

Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”

Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.

“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”

But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.

ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”

The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”

Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.

“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”

LOS ANGELES - The Ritvik movement has announced that it will be disbanding this week after members concluded that their arsenal of silly names for ISKCON gurus has finally been exhausted.

“While the basis of our philosophy is that Srila Prabhupada never told his successors to become gurus in their own right, 95% of our movement was based solely upon silly names for ISKCON gurus,” said Ritvik leader Prema Caitanya das. “And now that we’ve run out, there’s not much more we can do.”

Historically, the Ritvik movement kicked off its campaign of silly names with the now classic “Ravana Svarupa.”

“We knew we were onto something when we discovered that certain ISKCON gurus’ names could easily be changed to something mean or vulgar,” Prema Caitanya said, “We knew it hurt ISKCON deeply.”

To counter these funny names, ISKCON, convinced that ignoring the Ritviks would be enough, waged a war of attrition.

For the next two decades, the Ritvik movement fought an uphill battle against ISKCON’s guru policies. A string of silly names for ISKCON gurus marked their victories.

Perhaps the Ritvik movement’s crowning achievement was the one-two punch of simultaneously changing “ISKCON” to “IT’S-A-CON” and “ISHCON, International Society for Hindu Consciousness.”

“I thought we had them there,” Prema Caitanya reminisces, “it took them several years to recover, and when they did, we hit them where it really hurt.”

Sociology professor, Harold Floyd, an expert in ISKCON relations, agreed. “After the two-pronged “ISKCON” attack, most experts concluded that the feat could not be topped. But coming up with a gem like ‘Rotten-nath’ knocked ISKCON back on its heels.”

“‘Rotten-nath’ nearly dealt us a death-blow,” said ISKCON spokesperson Vivek Shani. “It was a dark time for our movement, we knew that if they hit us once more like that, we would be finished.”

Though devotees and scholars alike questioned how they could top it, as it turned out, it was their swan song. The Ritvik movement struggled for several years since the “Rotten-nath” victory, including several failed silly name attempts.

“Who would have thought that nobody cared about ‘Beer-Krishna Goswami’ or ‘Viper-Mukhya’?” Said Prema Caitanya. We knew we were really at an end when some new Ritvik convert blurted out ‘Shave-ananda Swami’ in an ISKCON chat room.”

According to Prema Caitanya, that is when the Ritvik movement made its decision.

In a press release issued by ISKCON a day after the Ritvik movement’s surrender, it was stated that ISKCON knew all along that “sooner or later the Ritviks would run out of silly names for our gurus.”

As a gesture of goodwill, ISKCON has lifted the ban on Ritvik adherents. Shani asserts that though they have been enemies for so long, “the Ritviks are once again welcome in ISKCON temples.” Adding, “at first they can come and participate in kirtan, but very soon they will be giving class and taking part in temple management.”

Prema Caitanya, who has just recently quit his job as a bank teller to become president of ISKCON’s Birmingham temple, concedes, “I was duped into thinking silly names could prove ISKCON wrong, but through the grace of guru and Gauranga, I could see that I was the one who was mistaken.” Adding, “besides, the pay is better.”

While the Ritvik movement has officially disbanded, it is reported that militant factions of ritvik guerrillas have set up camps on the hills overlooking several rural ISKCON centers. It is unclear what their motives may be. This story is still developing.

PARAMUS, NJ - In their latest newsletter, ISKCON temple president, Mahavikas das announced that area brahmins will be holding a two-month long clearance sale to make way for new Samskaras.

“The assembled devotees would be crazy to miss out on such an auspicious event,” Mahavikas said. “But with the new samskaras coming in, the old ones must go, go, go.”

For over a decade, the temple brahmins have offered the same samskaras at competitive prices. But with competition from the larger Shree Pooja Temple only 10 miles away, sales of samskaras have dropped off considerably.

“We must be able to remain an important player in the samskara market,” said temple treasurer Laxmipooja das. “What good will be be if we can’t compete with Big Hindu?”

The temple board quickly approved the sale proposal, though rumors that the brahmins offered board members discounts on Vahana Pooja could not be substantiated.

In a commercial aimed at the large Hindu population, temple brahmin Adwaita Acarya das, known as “Crazy Addie,” appears frantic as he flails his arms. “You’ll save money like never before! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on anything and everything samskara related! Save big, big, big bucks during Crazy Addie’s Samskara Blow Out Sale-O-Rama!”

The ad ends as Adwaita Acarya holds several packs of brahmin threads in his hands, shaking them as he says, “Upanyana for only $108? We’re practically giving the threads away!” Adding, “Our prices are INSANE!”

While the sale includes drastically reduced prices on all samskaras, not all are being dropped to accommodate the forthcoming rites. Standards like Vivaha and Antyeshti will remain while lesser-common rituals such as Shanty Havana, Nskramanam and Vidyarambha will be cut.

“The poojas that we will be adding are based very much on fun,” head poojari Ramesh Chatterjee, announced at a pooja ceremony to announce the clearance sale. “Birthday Pooja, Anniversary Pooja and Engagement Ceremony will all be added.”

He continued, “and if you place security deposit within next thirty day, we will give first class Bhangra DJ at practically no cost to you.”

The sale starts with the month of Phalguna, and will continue through Chaitra, if astrological calculations prove it to be auspicious to do so.

KANSAS CITY - A recent study conducted by Kamadeva das brahmacari has scientifically proven the old ISKCON proverb that a woman is ten times lustier than a cow. Kamadeva began this research while working on his doctoral thesis for the Rupanuga Vedic College last summer. In order to complete the degree, Kamadeva was required to scientifically prove the controversial vedic axiom true.

When asked why he chose this particular quote Kamadeva replied, “It’s something that I think about a lot. Though I don’t normally come in contact with women, on the occasions that I do I can generally feel their lust towards me.” Adding, ” It must be a very hellish situation for the spirit souls trapped inside of them.”

Kamadeva was chanting japa in a pasture one day when he came across a cow who looked at him with a lust similar to what he had seen before in the eyes of a woman.

“Though I could feel lust emanating from the cow, it was not nearly to the degree that I had felt lust for me emanating from the woman I was preaching to the night before.” Kamadeva added, “I once again remembered this quote and now understood that there was some truth to it.”

The equipment that he used to conduct his experiment primarily consists of “an iron rod mounted with a button and attached to a box.”

“While I use this instrument I make sure to clear my mind and chant very purely,” Kamadeva explains. “The maha-mantra purifies my body of any subtle degrees of lust so that I can accurately get a measurement of the lust of things around me.”

The brahmacari then aims the rod at a person or object, presses the button and the meter shows how many cows worth of lust are present.

“It was not surprising to find women coming in at ten cows,” Kamadeva spoke of his research. “But there were some unsuspected results as well.”

Kamadeva’s experiment has found that inanimate objects also contain a greater degree of lust then first thought.

“Computers for example also have a very high rating of eight cows, probably because there are so many pictures of the sex-life inside them,” said Kamadeva.

Other objects with high lust counts include hot showers (seven cows) and grains cooked by karmis (eight cows). Kamadeva added, “these are definitely things I plan to research more thoroughly in the future.”

In conclusion Kamadeva explains, “As you can see, it is true that women are ten times lustier than cows, though karmi men, at four cows, are also very lusty. The good news is that even a new Bhakta shows evidence of lust decreasing, and with the advancement of becoming brahmacari, the lust is scaled down to practically nothing.”

Though Kamadeva’s research has not led him to the sastric origin of this particular saying, he asserts that hearing it from the mouth of an elevated soul during a Srimad Bhagavatam class indeed makes it bona fide.