Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.

The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.

“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”

The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.

Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.

“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”

Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”

Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”

Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.

“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”

But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.

ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”

The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”

Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.

“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”