“While the basis of our philosophy is that Srila Prabhupada never told his successors to become gurus in their own right, 95% of our movement was based solely upon silly names for ISKCON gurus,” said Ritvik leader Prema Caitanya das. “And now that we’ve run out, there’s not much more we can do.”

Historically, the Ritvik movement kicked off its campaign of silly names with the now classic “Ravana Svarupa.”

“We knew we were onto something when we discovered that certain ISKCON gurus’ names could easily be changed to something mean or vulgar,” Prema Caitanya said, “We knew it hurt ISKCON deeply.”

To counter these funny names, ISKCON, convinced that ignoring the Ritviks would be enough, waged a war of attrition.

For the next two decades, the Ritvik movement fought an uphill battle against ISKCON’s guru policies. A string of silly names for ISKCON gurus marked their victories.

Perhaps the Ritvik movement’s crowning achievement was the one-two punch of simultaneously changing “ISKCON” to “IT’S-A-CON” and “ISHCON, International Society for Hindu Consciousness.”

“I thought we had them there,” Prema Caitanya reminisces, “it took them several years to recover, and when they did, we hit them where it really hurt.”

Sociology professor, Harold Floyd, an expert in ISKCON relations, agreed. “After the two-pronged “ISKCON” attack, most experts concluded that the feat could not be topped. But coming up with a gem like ‘Rotten-nath’ knocked ISKCON back on its heels.”

“‘Rotten-nath’ nearly dealt us a death-blow,” said ISKCON spokesperson Vivek Shani. “It was a dark time for our movement, we knew that if they hit us once more like that, we would be finished.”

Though devotees and scholars alike questioned how they could top it, as it turned out, it was their swan song. The Ritvik movement struggled for several years since the “Rotten-nath” victory, including several failed silly name attempts.

“Who would have thought that nobody cared about ‘Beer-Krishna Goswami’ or ‘Viper-Mukhya’?” Said Prema Caitanya. We knew we were really at an end when some new Ritvik convert blurted out ‘Shave-ananda Swami’ in an ISKCON chat room.”

According to Prema Caitanya, that is when the Ritvik movement made its decision.

In a press release issued by ISKCON a day after the Ritvik movement’s surrender, it was stated that ISKCON knew all along that “sooner or later the Ritviks would run out of silly names for our gurus.”

As a gesture of goodwill, ISKCON has lifted the ban on Ritvik adherents. Shani asserts that though they have been enemies for so long, “the Ritviks are once again welcome in ISKCON temples.” Adding, “at first they can come and participate in kirtan, but very soon they will be giving class and taking part in temple management.”

Prema Caitanya, who has just recently quit his job as a bank teller to become president of ISKCON’s Birmingham temple, concedes, “I was duped into thinking silly names could prove ISKCON wrong, but through the grace of guru and Gauranga, I could see that I was the one who was mistaken.” Adding, “besides, the pay is better.”

While the Ritvik movement has officially disbanded, it is reported that militant factions of ritvik guerrillas have set up camps on the hills overlooking several rural ISKCON centers. It is unclear what their motives may be. This story is still developing.

“The assembled devotees would be crazy to miss out on such an auspicious event,” Mahavikas said. “But with the new samskaras coming in, the old ones must go, go, go.”

For over a decade, the temple brahmins have offered the same samskaras at competitive prices. But with competition from the larger Shree Pooja Temple only 10 miles away, sales of samskaras have dropped off considerably.

“We must be able to remain an important player in the samskara market,” said temple treasurer Laxmipooja das. “What good will be be if we can’t compete with Big Hindu?”

The temple board quickly approved the sale proposal, though rumors that the brahmins offered board members discounts on Vahana Pooja could not be substantiated.

In a commercial aimed at the large Hindu population, temple brahmin Adwaita Acarya das, known as “Crazy Addie,” appears frantic as he flails his arms. “You’ll save money like never before! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on anything and everything samskara related! Save big, big, big bucks during Crazy Addie’s Samskara Blow Out Sale-O-Rama!”

The ad ends as Adwaita Acarya holds several packs of brahmin threads in his hands, shaking them as he says, “Upanyana for only $108? We’re practically giving the threads away!” Adding, “Our prices are INSANE!”

While the sale includes drastically reduced prices on all samskaras, not all are being dropped to accommodate the forthcoming rites. Standards like Vivaha and Antyeshti will remain while lesser-common rituals such as Shanty Havana, Nskramanam and Vidyarambha will be cut.

“The poojas that we will be adding are based very much on fun,” head poojari Ramesh Chatterjee, announced at a pooja ceremony to announce the clearance sale. “Birthday Pooja, Anniversary Pooja and Engagement Ceremony will all be added.”

He continued, “and if you place security deposit within next thirty day, we will give first class Bhangra DJ at practically no cost to you.”

The sale starts with the month of Phalguna, and will continue through Chaitra, if astrological calculations prove it to be auspicious to do so.

When asked why he chose this particular quote Kamadeva replied, “It’s something that I think about a lot. Though I don’t normally come in contact with women, on the occasions that I do I can generally feel their lust towards me.” Adding, ” It must be a very hellish situation for the spirit souls trapped inside of them.”

Kamadeva was chanting japa in a pasture one day when he came across a cow who looked at him with a lust similar to what he had seen before in the eyes of a woman.

“Though I could feel lust emanating from the cow, it was not nearly to the degree that I had felt lust for me emanating from the woman I was preaching to the night before.” Kamadeva added, “I once again remembered this quote and now understood that there was some truth to it.”

The equipment that he used to conduct his experiment primarily consists of “an iron rod mounted with a button and attached to a box.”

“While I use this instrument I make sure to clear my mind and chant very purely,” Kamadeva explains. “The maha-mantra purifies my body of any subtle degrees of lust so that I can accurately get a measurement of the lust of things around me.”

The brahmacari then aims the rod at a person or object, presses the button and the meter shows how many cows worth of lust are present.

“It was not surprising to find women coming in at ten cows,” Kamadeva spoke of his research. “But there were some unsuspected results as well.”

Kamadeva’s experiment has found that inanimate objects also contain a greater degree of lust then first thought.

“Computers for example also have a very high rating of eight cows, probably because there are so many pictures of the sex-life inside them,” said Kamadeva.

Other objects with high lust counts include hot showers (seven cows) and grains cooked by karmis (eight cows). Kamadeva added, “these are definitely things I plan to research more thoroughly in the future.”

In conclusion Kamadeva explains, “As you can see, it is true that women are ten times lustier than cows, though karmi men, at four cows, are also very lusty. The good news is that even a new Bhakta shows evidence of lust decreasing, and with the advancement of becoming brahmacari, the lust is scaled down to practically nothing.”

Though Kamadeva’s research has not led him to the sastric origin of this particular saying, he asserts that hearing it from the mouth of an elevated soul during a Srimad Bhagavatam class indeed makes it bona fide.

“There just weren’t a lot of fallen souls on 25th that day,” recounts Steve, “I got bored with preaching to the bugs in the ground, and that’s when it happened.”

Steve was distributing copies of Science of Self Realization, On the Way to Krsna, as well as Beyond Birth and Death when he dropped one of the books onto the ground. While picking it up to touch it to his forehead, his thumb accidentally opened up the book and his eye caught the passage: “One of the differences between Krsna and an ordinary being is that an ordinary entity can be in only one place at a time, but Krsna can be everywhere in the universe and yet also in His own abode, simultaneously.”

“That’s good stuff, prabhu,” Steve explained, “That’s just really deep.” Adding, “After reading that, I figured there was probably more stuff like that in it.”

Vijaya Kumar das, Bhakta Steve’s sankirtana partner, was astounded that he had time to pick up the book, even if accidentally. “Sure, I can understand how his thumb could inadvertently open up one of the smalls, but how could he have time to actually read the thing?” Vijaya added, “I just don’t get it, he was such a fired up book distributor.”

However, Steve insists that it was only a few pages. “I didn’t mean to get all caught up in it or anything,” Steve argued, “But, I mean, have they read this? It’s really good!”

Dayananda das, the bhakta leader and Steve’s temple authority, concluded recently that Steve “must be in such maya if he is having so much time to be reading so many books like that.” Adding, “He is such a nonsense.”

When asked if he has ever personally read Srila Prabhupada’s books, Dayananda admitted that he has looked through them once or twice. “I have been meaning to get to them eventually,” he said. “We are warriors in Lord Caitanya’s Sankirtana Army, studying sastra is for brahmans.”

Accused of playing politics and stirring up drama, Bhakta Steve was at the center of a recent temple board meeting.

“I apologize for getting political, I have been out of line,” spoke Steve during the meeting, “I should have been distributing the mercy, not have been wasting so much of Krishna’s time.”

He added, “But seriously, have you read this? There’s some really good stuff in here!”

Area temple president, Arvin Patel, conceded, “while it is very nice to see this young bhatka so fired up about reading Srila Prabhupada’s books, he must remember that he is distributing so nicely to collect laxmi for Sri Sri Radha-Krsna. It is few pages now, but if unchecked he will be one hour every day reading, like that.”

Bhakta Steve has now promised to keep fully engaged in his service as book distributor, leaving the reading of Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls he meets on book distribution.