A Kaupin is a loin-cloth traditionally worn by celibates to reduce the production of semen. The girding assists to raise energy from that area up the spine to nourish the brain, notably along with drinking hot milk while reading Krishna Book in the evening.

“My mother made me floss my teeth before and after every meal which amounted to childhood trauma”, Goswami, born Adam Garney, said. Although this was the main incentive to leave home and join the Hare Krishna’s, “every time I offer obeisances I am reminded of this flossing, rather than of guru and Krishna”, he confessed, after greeting the deities this morning.

Reflecting, “The Govindam prayer brings back memories of momma saying, ‘go floss ‘em, Adam!’” Purportedly, such bad karma would stop like the slowing down of a fan after being switched off.

When Goswami reported his difficulty to the temple authority and requested laksmi for two sets of boxer briefs from his sankirtan collection, he was returned with, “Maya. You are transcendental to phobia and need to wear kaupins so that your senses are controlled.” His authority then remarked that the temple funds were for Krishna’s service and not for “material problems”.

Goswami’s fellow brahmacaris reminded him of the story of a yogi who wanted two sets of kaupins, gradually accumulating “material things”, ending up with a house and a wife, the “death of a brahmacari.”

“This is a personal issue, not a product flaw,” said Susan Mistlefield, an Oral-B spokes persons. “Our dental floss is used by millions dentists worldwide and they are certainly not joining the Hare Krishnas.”

Due to his flossing phobia, Goswami often fails to offer obeisances before exiting the temple room. “If I could simply have a couple of pairs of Fruit of the Loom or maybe some Joe Boxers, I’d offer one thousand dandavats to the vaisnavas daily, outside the temple president’s office while praying to Raghunatha das Goswami, no problem.”

To possibly remedy the situation, temple authorities sent Goswami on a two week pilgrimage to holy Vrindavan. “A good dandavat parikrama of Govardhana should fix him right up,” said sankirtana leader, Apana das.

Shortly after parikrama, Goswami disappeared, leaving everything, including his kaupins, behind. He has since been seen along the banks of the Ganges River with the Naga Babas.

“There just weren’t a lot of fallen souls on 25th that day,” recounts Steve, “I got bored with preaching to the bugs in the ground, and that’s when it happened.”

Steve was distributing copies of Science of Self Realization, On the Way to Krsna, as well as Beyond Birth and Death when he dropped one of the books onto the ground. While picking it up to touch it to his forehead, his thumb accidentally opened up the book and his eye caught the passage: “One of the differences between Krsna and an ordinary being is that an ordinary entity can be in only one place at a time, but Krsna can be everywhere in the universe and yet also in His own abode, simultaneously.”

“That’s good stuff, prabhu,” Steve explained, “That’s just really deep.” Adding, “After reading that, I figured there was probably more stuff like that in it.”

Vijaya Kumar das, Bhakta Steve’s sankirtana partner, was astounded that he had time to pick up the book, even if accidentally. “Sure, I can understand how his thumb could inadvertently open up one of the smalls, but how could he have time to actually read the thing?” Vijaya added, “I just don’t get it, he was such a fired up book distributor.”

However, Steve insists that it was only a few pages. “I didn’t mean to get all caught up in it or anything,” Steve argued, “But, I mean, have they read this? It’s really good!”

Dayananda das, the bhakta leader and Steve’s temple authority, concluded recently that Steve “must be in such maya if he is having so much time to be reading so many books like that.” Adding, “He is such a nonsense.”

When asked if he has ever personally read Srila Prabhupada’s books, Dayananda admitted that he has looked through them once or twice. “I have been meaning to get to them eventually,” he said. “We are warriors in Lord Caitanya’s Sankirtana Army, studying sastra is for brahmans.”

Accused of playing politics and stirring up drama, Bhakta Steve was at the center of a recent temple board meeting.

“I apologize for getting political, I have been out of line,” spoke Steve during the meeting, “I should have been distributing the mercy, not have been wasting so much of Krishna’s time.”

He added, “But seriously, have you read this? There’s some really good stuff in here!”

Area temple president, Arvin Patel, conceded, “while it is very nice to see this young bhatka so fired up about reading Srila Prabhupada’s books, he must remember that he is distributing so nicely to collect laxmi for Sri Sri Radha-Krsna. It is few pages now, but if unchecked he will be one hour every day reading, like that.”

Bhakta Steve has now promised to keep fully engaged in his service as book distributor, leaving the reading of Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls he meets on book distribution.