There are many book distributors out there who can offer you tips about how to sell Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls. Some focus on techniques like getting the book into their hands. Some use a sliding scale for prices. And some even resort to wearing karmi clothes.

But I’ve got a tip for you that is guaranteed to always get results: Look like John Stamos.

It’s easy to distribute books when you look like John Stamos.

You know, the famous Uncle Jesse from the hit 80’s sitcom, Full House. The character of Uncle Jesse was beloved by all! The girls thought he was a hunk and the guys all wanted to be like him. Believe me, I know what that’s like and thanks to John Stamos, I’m raking in the laxmi points on sankirtana!

Now, I hear what you’re saying, “but Janastotram prabhu, I don’t look like John Stamos!” And I can see how you’d think that’s a problem. I’ve got a secret, I didn’t look like John Stamos either until I grew the iconic Stamos mullet. I was shaved up for years until one day when I was applying Tilaka and caught a glimpse of John Stamos in the mirror.

A year later the mullet was fully installed – even had a special puja for it. And after a small out-patient procedure, I was John Stamos. My book scores doubled!

Another tip I can give you, and this is pretty important, adopt a catch phrase. I’ve taken nicely to the Elvis-inspired Uncle Jesse quote, “Have Mercy!.” On Full House, whenever Uncle Jesse would see a fine young lady, he would curl his lip like The King, wiggle his hips and say “Have Merr-saaaay!”

And since Srila Prabhupada’s message is 100% pure mercy, I can casually saunter up to a karmi, place a Gita in their hands, curl my upper lip and say it: Have Mercy! The girls all melt and the guys wish they were devotees who looked like me. It’s great!

But maybe you look too much unlike John Stamos to really be a convincing John Stamos. Might I suggest another cultural figure from other 80’s sitcoms? Take Joey Lawrence, for example. Do you look anything like Joey Lawrence? He’s no John Stamos, but I bet you could sling a few Gitas after throwing around a couple of “WHOA”’s. Or how about Kirk Cameron from TV’s Growing Pains? Ever thought about Scott Baio from Charles in Charge? Get yourself a Willie Ames and watch your Laxmi points soar!

Oh, and for the matajis, may I suggest Jo or Blair from The Facts of Life? Get two other girls to be Natalie and Tuti, dress up the ashrama leader as Mrs Garret and you’ve got yourself the best themed sankirtana party ever! And men, don’t completely rule out an A-Team sankirtana party! “I pity the fool who don’t take Prabhupada’s Gita!”

But there are, of course, some caveats. Personally, I would forget the instinct to attain Happy Days’s Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli. Sure he’s iconic, but everyone wants to be The Fonz. Seriously, if I see another devotee with slicked back hair, motorcycle jacket and tshirt holding “Perfect Questions, Perfect Answers” with one hand and giving a “thumbs up” with the other, I’m going to scream. And come on, what kind of catch phrase is, “Aaaaay!”? May I please beg to submit “Who’s the Boss” lead, Tony Micelli (played by the lovable Tony Danza) as a suitable alternative.

Oh, a word of caution: stay away from Balki Bartokomous of TV’s Perfect Strangers. Trust me, folks – not pretty.

So when you’re sitting by yourself in the ashrama at night, thinking of your sankirtana look, may I humbly suggest the 80’s situation comedies as a source of inspiration. John Stamos has served me (and Srila Prabhupada!) very well over the years. If you’ve been contemplating a Michael J Fox, Erik Estrada or even a Bill Cosby, I say go for it! Make the power of the 80’s sitcom work for you (and Krishna)!

“What this amounts to is thievery,” says BBT International legal spokesperson Clarence Richards “Do these people really believe it is right to quote copyrighted scripture during these lectures without the express written permission of the BBT International? It’s stealing.”

BBT International charges that illegal citations of Srila Prabhupada’s books are costing Srila Prabhupada’s movement. Richards continues, “44% of BBT International’s revenue loss has been due to illegal citation.”

Earlier this year, the BBT International claimed a “phenomenal increase” in book sales. They now admit that the increase was due to accidentally counting Srila Prabhupada books printed in India by non-BBT International book trusts.

“Originally we believed reports that claimed sales were up,” said long time book distributor Pitha das. “But then I remembered that I haven’t distributed a book since the 2001 Rainbow Gathering and figured that their math must be a bit fuzzy.”

The usage rates that BBT International is slated to charge are very simple. The basic rate of $.36 per word will apply. Long hyphonated sanskrit words do not count as one long word, rather as several shorter words.

There are provisions for high-volume users such as gurus or professional lecturers. These devotees may buy rights in bulk, depending on their speaking schedule.

While similar “kickbacks” are seen as greedy in the karmi world, the BBT’s kickbacks are generally seen as Srila Prabhupada’s desire. “ISKCON is Srila Prabhupada’s body,” said BBT’s GBC represenative, Vani-kauta das. “Whatever ISKCON does must be Srila Prabhupada’s desire.”

Former sastra-sharer, Durmadha das agreed, “I used to recite verse after verse in Bhagavatam class. I now see how this stealing is wrong. From now on, all I will do is tell funny stories.”

For independent speakers, a 20 word limit per class will be imposed. Anyone violating the 20 word limit will be subject to hefty fines and possible arrest.

“While we believe it is nice that so many devotees want to quote nice scripture, we have a few guidelines we are asking them to follow,” said BBT International’s public relations spokesperson Anrita devi dasi, adding “We also request that, if possible, these be short words and that copyright notices are somehow displayed when verses are quoted.”

Though the vast majority of devotees support BBT International in this decision, there are a few fringe groups of devotee who claim to be in opposition.

“The quoting of scipture falls under ‘fair use,’” says rogue shastra sharer Caura das. “We’re not reprinting the books or making money off of it, we just want to quote Srila Prabhupada and the Vedas.”

But that is where the shastra sharers are mistaken, asserts Richards. “For it to fall under fair use, the quote must be attributed to the original artist. Many of these criminals do not even say ‘uvaca’ before quoting.”

He added, “Besides, the botched sanskrit significantly impairs market value of BBT International’s books, further drawing it away from the ‘fair use’ category.”

To prove to the devotee community that they are serious, BBT International has sued Mugdha das brahmacari $108,000 for running a Bhagavad-gita study group out of his ashrama room since 2004.

“We wanted to take out the most hardened criminals first and Mugdha prabhu was one of the worst,” said Anrita devi dasi. “His actual fines were in the millions of dollars, but we are offering a manageable, auspicious number as settlement.”

BBT International is preparing criminal lawsuits against thousands of devotees. And though their actions may fully bankrupt Srila Prabhupada’s movement, the changes will more than likely go unnoticed by most devotees.

“There just weren’t a lot of fallen souls on 25th that day,” recounts Steve, “I got bored with preaching to the bugs in the ground, and that’s when it happened.”

Steve was distributing copies of Science of Self Realization, On the Way to Krsna, as well as Beyond Birth and Death when he dropped one of the books onto the ground. While picking it up to touch it to his forehead, his thumb accidentally opened up the book and his eye caught the passage: “One of the differences between Krsna and an ordinary being is that an ordinary entity can be in only one place at a time, but Krsna can be everywhere in the universe and yet also in His own abode, simultaneously.”

“That’s good stuff, prabhu,” Steve explained, “That’s just really deep.” Adding, “After reading that, I figured there was probably more stuff like that in it.”

Vijaya Kumar das, Bhakta Steve’s sankirtana partner, was astounded that he had time to pick up the book, even if accidentally. “Sure, I can understand how his thumb could inadvertently open up one of the smalls, but how could he have time to actually read the thing?” Vijaya added, “I just don’t get it, he was such a fired up book distributor.”

However, Steve insists that it was only a few pages. “I didn’t mean to get all caught up in it or anything,” Steve argued, “But, I mean, have they read this? It’s really good!”

Dayananda das, the bhakta leader and Steve’s temple authority, concluded recently that Steve “must be in such maya if he is having so much time to be reading so many books like that.” Adding, “He is such a nonsense.”

When asked if he has ever personally read Srila Prabhupada’s books, Dayananda admitted that he has looked through them once or twice. “I have been meaning to get to them eventually,” he said. “We are warriors in Lord Caitanya’s Sankirtana Army, studying sastra is for brahmans.”

Accused of playing politics and stirring up drama, Bhakta Steve was at the center of a recent temple board meeting.

“I apologize for getting political, I have been out of line,” spoke Steve during the meeting, “I should have been distributing the mercy, not have been wasting so much of Krishna’s time.”

He added, “But seriously, have you read this? There’s some really good stuff in here!”

Area temple president, Arvin Patel, conceded, “while it is very nice to see this young bhatka so fired up about reading Srila Prabhupada’s books, he must remember that he is distributing so nicely to collect laxmi for Sri Sri Radha-Krsna. It is few pages now, but if unchecked he will be one hour every day reading, like that.”

Bhakta Steve has now promised to keep fully engaged in his service as book distributor, leaving the reading of Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls he meets on book distribution.