A Kaupin is a loin-cloth traditionally worn by celibates to reduce the production of semen. The girding assists to raise energy from that area up the spine to nourish the brain, notably along with drinking hot milk while reading Krishna Book in the evening.

“My mother made me floss my teeth before and after every meal which amounted to childhood trauma”, Goswami, born Adam Garney, said. Although this was the main incentive to leave home and join the Hare Krishna’s, “every time I offer obeisances I am reminded of this flossing, rather than of guru and Krishna”, he confessed, after greeting the deities this morning.

Reflecting, “The Govindam prayer brings back memories of momma saying, ‘go floss ‘em, Adam!’” Purportedly, such bad karma would stop like the slowing down of a fan after being switched off.

When Goswami reported his difficulty to the temple authority and requested laksmi for two sets of boxer briefs from his sankirtan collection, he was returned with, “Maya. You are transcendental to phobia and need to wear kaupins so that your senses are controlled.” His authority then remarked that the temple funds were for Krishna’s service and not for “material problems”.

Goswami’s fellow brahmacaris reminded him of the story of a yogi who wanted two sets of kaupins, gradually accumulating “material things”, ending up with a house and a wife, the “death of a brahmacari.”

“This is a personal issue, not a product flaw,” said Susan Mistlefield, an Oral-B spokes persons. “Our dental floss is used by millions dentists worldwide and they are certainly not joining the Hare Krishnas.”

Due to his flossing phobia, Goswami often fails to offer obeisances before exiting the temple room. “If I could simply have a couple of pairs of Fruit of the Loom or maybe some Joe Boxers, I’d offer one thousand dandavats to the vaisnavas daily, outside the temple president’s office while praying to Raghunatha das Goswami, no problem.”

To possibly remedy the situation, temple authorities sent Goswami on a two week pilgrimage to holy Vrindavan. “A good dandavat parikrama of Govardhana should fix him right up,” said sankirtana leader, Apana das.

Shortly after parikrama, Goswami disappeared, leaving everything, including his kaupins, behind. He has since been seen along the banks of the Ganges River with the Naga Babas.

Dozens of devotees, most in traditional religious dress, fought with each other for hours, throwing punches, pulling homemade weapons and hurling Molotov cocktails.

“What they are failing to understand,” said Akushala das of the other rioters, nursing a broken femur and concussion, “is that I am lower than the puss on a weeping ulcer of a leper.”

According to sources, Vaisnava Ke das and Abudha das were discussing whose service it was to clean the ashrama bathrooms. Abudha suggested that he was lower than a worm in stool and couldn’t be trusted to properly clean such a holy place as the bathroom of a pure devotee. Abudha das countered by explaining that it was he, not Vaisnava Ke, who was lower than an ant eating the stool of a worm in stool. Abudha then proceeded to punch his opponent in the throat.

Tensions had clearly been mounting, as this simple argument sent this simple temple into a simple riot.

“Though I am most fallen and do not deserve to be in this riot of such advanced devotees, I have been blessed by Lord Sri Krishna with two lacerations to the head and a knife wound in my stomach,” said Himsananda das who was limping and covered in blood.

Throughout the grisly affair, cries of “it is I who am most fallen!” could be heard over the painful screams and homemade explosives.

“How are they not seeing that I am more fallen than the dead flesh eaten by maggots that will most certainly infest my soon-to-be gangrenous arm, which was sliced by a broken bottle of Ganga water,” exclaimed Ciram devi dasi, whose arm, smashed and cut by a cricket bat aligned with sharpened metal spikes, waved useless in the breeze.

GBC sanctioned deputies sped through the temple grounds spraying clouds of tear gas as GBC officers in riot gear attempted to round up the mob in full insurrection.

According to official GBC reports, over 200 devotee rioters are being detained in Mayapura.

Even with GBC presence and arrests, the riot escalated unthought-of levels.

“Oh just see the mercy of Guru and Gauranga!” shouted Madam das, whose body was riddled with bullets, “While I am not worthy to die in the gutter of a latrine where one who has simply tasted prasadam will someday pass stool, I will most certainly leave this wretched, worthless body at such an auspicious time as this in the most holy of holy dhamas!”

The Chowpatty temple, in a press conference given later that day, expressed regret that such true humility had to come to such a violent, but auspicious end.

“We are all equally most fallen,” said Chowpatty spokesperson Arjun Malik. “Though some of us are more equally most fallen than others.”

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