CINCINNATI - Hundreds of fixed up brahmacaris rallied in front of the Charmin Toilet Paper Factory in Cincinnati, Ohio calling for a moratorium on the manufacturing of all bathroom tissue.

Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.

The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.

“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”

The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.

Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.

“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”

Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”

Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”

Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.

“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”

But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.

ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”

The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”

Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.

“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”

LOS ANGELES - The Ritvik movement has announced that it will be disbanding this week after members concluded that their arsenal of silly names for ISKCON gurus has finally been exhausted.

“While the basis of our philosophy is that Srila Prabhupada never told his successors to become gurus in their own right, 95% of our movement was based solely upon silly names for ISKCON gurus,” said Ritvik leader Prema Caitanya das. “And now that we’ve run out, there’s not much more we can do.”

Historically, the Ritvik movement kicked off its campaign of silly names with the now classic “Ravana Svarupa.”

“We knew we were onto something when we discovered that certain ISKCON gurus’ names could easily be changed to something mean or vulgar,” Prema Caitanya said, “We knew it hurt ISKCON deeply.”

To counter these funny names, ISKCON, convinced that ignoring the Ritviks would be enough, waged a war of attrition.

For the next two decades, the Ritvik movement fought an uphill battle against ISKCON’s guru policies. A string of silly names for ISKCON gurus marked their victories.

Perhaps the Ritvik movement’s crowning achievement was the one-two punch of simultaneously changing “ISKCON” to “IT’S-A-CON” and “ISHCON, International Society for Hindu Consciousness.”

“I thought we had them there,” Prema Caitanya reminisces, “it took them several years to recover, and when they did, we hit them where it really hurt.”

Sociology professor, Harold Floyd, an expert in ISKCON relations, agreed. “After the two-pronged “ISKCON” attack, most experts concluded that the feat could not be topped. But coming up with a gem like ‘Rotten-nath’ knocked ISKCON back on its heels.”

“‘Rotten-nath’ nearly dealt us a death-blow,” said ISKCON spokesperson Vivek Shani. “It was a dark time for our movement, we knew that if they hit us once more like that, we would be finished.”

Though devotees and scholars alike questioned how they could top it, as it turned out, it was their swan song. The Ritvik movement struggled for several years since the “Rotten-nath” victory, including several failed silly name attempts.

“Who would have thought that nobody cared about ‘Beer-Krishna Goswami’ or ‘Viper-Mukhya’?” Said Prema Caitanya. We knew we were really at an end when some new Ritvik convert blurted out ‘Shave-ananda Swami’ in an ISKCON chat room.”

According to Prema Caitanya, that is when the Ritvik movement made its decision.

In a press release issued by ISKCON a day after the Ritvik movement’s surrender, it was stated that ISKCON knew all along that “sooner or later the Ritviks would run out of silly names for our gurus.”

As a gesture of goodwill, ISKCON has lifted the ban on Ritvik adherents. Shani asserts that though they have been enemies for so long, “the Ritviks are once again welcome in ISKCON temples.” Adding, “at first they can come and participate in kirtan, but very soon they will be giving class and taking part in temple management.”

Prema Caitanya, who has just recently quit his job as a bank teller to become president of ISKCON’s Birmingham temple, concedes, “I was duped into thinking silly names could prove ISKCON wrong, but through the grace of guru and Gauranga, I could see that I was the one who was mistaken.” Adding, “besides, the pay is better.”

While the Ritvik movement has officially disbanded, it is reported that militant factions of ritvik guerrillas have set up camps on the hills overlooking several rural ISKCON centers. It is unclear what their motives may be. This story is still developing.

PARAMUS, NJ - In their latest newsletter, ISKCON temple president, Mahavikas das announced that area brahmins will be holding a two-month long clearance sale to make way for new Samskaras.

“The assembled devotees would be crazy to miss out on such an auspicious event,” Mahavikas said. “But with the new samskaras coming in, the old ones must go, go, go.”

For over a decade, the temple brahmins have offered the same samskaras at competitive prices. But with competition from the larger Shree Pooja Temple only 10 miles away, sales of samskaras have dropped off considerably.

“We must be able to remain an important player in the samskara market,” said temple treasurer Laxmipooja das. “What good will be be if we can’t compete with Big Hindu?”

The temple board quickly approved the sale proposal, though rumors that the brahmins offered board members discounts on Vahana Pooja could not be substantiated.

In a commercial aimed at the large Hindu population, temple brahmin Adwaita Acarya das, known as “Crazy Addie,” appears frantic as he flails his arms. “You’ll save money like never before! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on anything and everything samskara related! Save big, big, big bucks during Crazy Addie’s Samskara Blow Out Sale-O-Rama!”

The ad ends as Adwaita Acarya holds several packs of brahmin threads in his hands, shaking them as he says, “Upanyana for only $108? We’re practically giving the threads away!” Adding, “Our prices are INSANE!”

While the sale includes drastically reduced prices on all samskaras, not all are being dropped to accommodate the forthcoming rites. Standards like Vivaha and Antyeshti will remain while lesser-common rituals such as Shanty Havana, Nskramanam and Vidyarambha will be cut.

“The poojas that we will be adding are based very much on fun,” head poojari Ramesh Chatterjee, announced at a pooja ceremony to announce the clearance sale. “Birthday Pooja, Anniversary Pooja and Engagement Ceremony will all be added.”

He continued, “and if you place security deposit within next thirty day, we will give first class Bhangra DJ at practically no cost to you.”

The sale starts with the month of Phalguna, and will continue through Chaitra, if astrological calculations prove it to be auspicious to do so.

KANSAS CITY - A recent study conducted by Kamadeva das brahmacari has scientifically proven the old ISKCON proverb that a woman is ten times lustier than a cow. Kamadeva began this research while working on his doctoral thesis for the Rupanuga Vedic College last summer. In order to complete the degree, Kamadeva was required to scientifically prove the controversial vedic axiom true.

When asked why he chose this particular quote Kamadeva replied, “It’s something that I think about a lot. Though I don’t normally come in contact with women, on the occasions that I do I can generally feel their lust towards me.” Adding, ” It must be a very hellish situation for the spirit souls trapped inside of them.”

Kamadeva was chanting japa in a pasture one day when he came across a cow who looked at him with a lust similar to what he had seen before in the eyes of a woman.

“Though I could feel lust emanating from the cow, it was not nearly to the degree that I had felt lust for me emanating from the woman I was preaching to the night before.” Kamadeva added, “I once again remembered this quote and now understood that there was some truth to it.”

The equipment that he used to conduct his experiment primarily consists of “an iron rod mounted with a button and attached to a box.”

“While I use this instrument I make sure to clear my mind and chant very purely,” Kamadeva explains. “The maha-mantra purifies my body of any subtle degrees of lust so that I can accurately get a measurement of the lust of things around me.”

The brahmacari then aims the rod at a person or object, presses the button and the meter shows how many cows worth of lust are present.

“It was not surprising to find women coming in at ten cows,” Kamadeva spoke of his research. “But there were some unsuspected results as well.”

Kamadeva’s experiment has found that inanimate objects also contain a greater degree of lust then first thought.

“Computers for example also have a very high rating of eight cows, probably because there are so many pictures of the sex-life inside them,” said Kamadeva.

Other objects with high lust counts include hot showers (seven cows) and grains cooked by karmis (eight cows). Kamadeva added, “these are definitely things I plan to research more thoroughly in the future.”

In conclusion Kamadeva explains, “As you can see, it is true that women are ten times lustier than cows, though karmi men, at four cows, are also very lusty. The good news is that even a new Bhakta shows evidence of lust decreasing, and with the advancement of becoming brahmacari, the lust is scaled down to practically nothing.”

Though Kamadeva’s research has not led him to the sastric origin of this particular saying, he asserts that hearing it from the mouth of an elevated soul during a Srimad Bhagavatam class indeed makes it bona fide.

ITHACA, NY - Ex-ISKCON guru, John O’Brien, is now also an ex-Ithaca car salesman, closing his doors after a scandal-rocked year. 2007 was “difficult as hell,” claims O’Brien, adding, “What with the cost of gas and the weak dollar, people were just not taking to buying cars.”

The Ithacar Used Carlot in Ithaca, NY opened in spring of 2002, several months after O’Brien stepped down from the post of ISKCON guru due to sexual misconduct and what he calls “financial misunderstandings.”

But it was those “financial misunderstandings” that O’Brien insists gave him the business skills to establish the Ithaca-based business.

“You’d be surprised how similar the two jobs were,” Says O’Brien, whose skills as guru naturally lead him into the used car business.

“In ISKCON I had to convince my disciples that I was some pure and holy guy, ready, willing and able to take them back to Godhead, what they didn’t know was that I was sleeping with my secretary and lying on my expense reports.”

“And as a used car salesman,” he continued, “I had to convince my customers that I was some friendly and honest guy, ready, willing and able to sell that 1987 Ford Fiesta at invoice, taking not a penny of profit, what they didn’t know was that I picked it up at a repo-sale for under a hundred bucks. I was lying on my expense reports there too.”

The business flourished until 2006, the year he was audited by the IRS and taken to court on five separate occasions under New York’s Lemon Law.

“It was surprisingly similar to his experience in ISKCON,” states ISKCON spokesman Balananda dasa, “in both cases, he managed to pass himself off as honest and trustworthy, but in the end, it was his disciples and customers who paid the price.”

There were hints of misconduct at both professions long before termination of either. In 1994, several of O’Brien’s female disciples came forward, claiming to have to have been inappropriately touched and taunted by their, then, guru. This resulted in O’Brien being suspended from initiating new disciples for one full year.

Similarly, in 2003, a disgruntled customer, Jerry Berowitz, accused O’Brien of dishonesty involving a 1989 Mercury Topaz with two different Vehicle Identification Numbers. The lawsuit resulted in the suspension of his Auto Dealer’s License for one year.

“I just didn’t know what to do,” complained Berkowitz, “I trusted this man to be everything he said he was. I put my faith in him and he let me down. I was promised that this Mercury Topaz would take me back to home, but it was all lies.”

In a letter of apology to his customers, modified only slightly from his letter of apology to his disciples, O’Brien states, “Yes, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I am truly sorry for the pain that I have caused to so many trusting people. But my with my health problems all the service I had to do, I simply couldn’t keep up with my daily duties and practices.”

O’Brien is now banned from giving class in any ISKCON temple as well as selling cars in New York state.

He claims that he will appeal the ruling and be “back in charge in no time at all,” but it was unclear whether he was talking about ISKCON or the Ithacar Used Car Lot.

SPRINGFIELD, MO - Area ISKCON book distributor, Bhakta Steve, enjoyed several pages of Beyond Birth and Death by ISKCON Founder-Acarya A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada earlier this month during a slow stretch on 25th Street.

“There just weren’t a lot of fallen souls on 25th that day,” recounts Steve, “I got bored with preaching to the bugs in the ground, and that’s when it happened.”

Steve was distributing copies of Science of Self Realization, On the Way to Krsna, as well as Beyond Birth and Death when he dropped one of the books onto the ground. While picking it up to touch it to his forehead, his thumb accidentally opened up the book and his eye caught the passage: “One of the differences between Krsna and an ordinary being is that an ordinary entity can be in only one place at a time, but Krsna can be everywhere in the universe and yet also in His own abode, simultaneously.”

“That’s good stuff, prabhu,” Steve explained, “That’s just really deep.” Adding, “After reading that, I figured there was probably more stuff like that in it.”

Vijaya Kumar das, Bhakta Steve’s sankirtana partner, was astounded that he had time to pick up the book, even if accidentally. “Sure, I can understand how his thumb could inadvertently open up one of the smalls, but how could he have time to actually read the thing?” Vijaya added, “I just don’t get it, he was such a fired up book distributor.”

However, Steve insists that it was only a few pages. “I didn’t mean to get all caught up in it or anything,” Steve argued, “But, I mean, have they read this? It’s really good!”

Dayananda das, the bhakta leader and Steve’s temple authority, concluded recently that Steve “must be in such maya if he is having so much time to be reading so many books like that.” Adding, “He is such a nonsense.”

When asked if he has ever personally read Srila Prabhupada’s books, Dayananda admitted that he has looked through them once or twice. “I have been meaning to get to them eventually,” he said. “We are warriors in Lord Caitanya’s Sankirtana Army, studying sastra is for brahmans.”

Accused of playing politics and stirring up drama, Bhakta Steve was at the center of a recent temple board meeting.

“I apologize for getting political, I have been out of line,” spoke Steve during the meeting, “I should have been distributing the mercy, not have been wasting so much of Krishna’s time.”

He added, “But seriously, have you read this? There’s some really good stuff in here!”

Area temple president, Arvin Patel, conceded, “while it is very nice to see this young bhatka so fired up about reading Srila Prabhupada’s books, he must remember that he is distributing so nicely to collect laxmi for Sri Sri Radha-Krsna. It is few pages now, but if unchecked he will be one hour every day reading, like that.”

Bhakta Steve has now promised to keep fully engaged in his service as book distributor, leaving the reading of Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls he meets on book distribution.

JOLIET, IL - Visnupurana dasa and Janavi devi dasi’s plans for their family’s summer vacation are in jeopardy this year if they can’t find a temple within a day’s drive to the Grand Canyon.

“We used to always be able to find all sorts of things to do within four or five hours from almost any temple,” said Visnuprana, father of two.

The devotee family has worked their way across the US several times, traveling from temple to temple, taking free temple prasadam with them along the way.

“Staying at karmi motels and eating at karmi restaurants is maya. What is the point of traveling if you are not staying at temples?” Said Janavi devi dasi.

Many of America’s most popular tourist attractions are conveniently located near ISKCON temples.

She continued, “We’ve seen Disney World and Disney Land, New York City, been up into the Sears Tower, even visited the stupid St. Louis Arch! We’re running out of ideas!”

Visnupurana added, “It just breaks my heart that the kids will never get to see Mt. Rushmore or Yellowstone Park, they’re just too far away from the nearest temple.”

The family raises money for the vacations by selling “Smile” stickers and tickets for having “too much fun.” This year, however, fun will be at an all-time low.

“All we really wanted was to visit the Grand Canyon,” Said Visnupurana, adding, “I can’t believe there’s not a freaking temple in Flagstaff!”

Janavi continued, “we even checked out the Gatherings section on Krishna.com… nothing even close!”

According to Jayalila, the youngest, last year’s vacation to Rocky Mountain National Park, a few short hours from the Denver temple, “bit the big one.”

Tilaka, 14, added, “Yeah, it was totally obvious they ran out of ideas a couple of years ago after the ‘Let’s check out the Boise, Idaho temple!’ Come on, who goes to Idaho for vacation?”

The family is cautiously awaiting the opening of the Sedona Vedic Cultural Center, less than three hours from the Grand Canyon. “We’re not really sure if it’s devotees or just another Hindu temple,” said Visnupurana, “It’s getting really hard to tell.” Adding, “Anyway, $85 for a room and eight dollars for a plate of prasadam is a whole lot of Smile stickers.”

SAYER, MD - Area grhasta, Krsnakarna dasa, vowed this past Ekadasi to speak to no women, apart from his wife. The decision came after realizing the pujari service he was doing brought him into contact with several women, which would naturally lead to a fall down.

“If I were to even talk to one woman, soon we would be having nice conversation and then, immediately there would be sexual relations, like that,” Krsnakarna said.

“It is not that I would want to fall down,” Krsnakarna said. “I myself, though the most fallen, only desire to serve Krishna. I am concerned for these poor matajis who are not as strong in their devotion as men.”

He added: “They may see me and become agitated, immediately casting off their saris to attract me.”

When asked who would be taking care of day-to-day errands such as banking and bhoga runs, where encounters with women are most likely to occur, Krsnakarna replied, “Yes, I will simply chant very nicely on beads, like that, and Krishna will arrange nicely.”

Krishna apparently arranged for Vrnda Devi, Krishnakarna’s wife, to take care of such things. She was spotted at the local grocery store, Wal-Mart and Jiffy-lube, juggling three children, two boys and a girl, who Krsnakarna has not spoken to since Ekadasi. When asked about the arrangement, Vrnda had no comment.

It has been rumored that she is no longer speaking to Krsnakarna.

Area matajis living in the temple had mixed reaction to Krsnakarna’s vow. “Does this mean he’s going to stop preaching to the college girls?” Asked temple commander Mother Yamuna, “There are a few brahmacaris who have already volunteered to take over this service. I would ask him myself, but…”

“I guess this means that he’ll be talking about sex even more when he gives class now,” newly converted Bhaktin Jennifer said, adding “What’s up with that? It’s kind of creepy.”

Since Ekadasi, Krsnakarna has avoided all women, speaking only to his wife. This is a radical departure from the accepted ISKCON practice of speaking to all women, except the wife.