The findings may contribute to understanding how wildly popular synthesizer kirtans have become at ISKCON festivals like Ratha-yatras, says RVC representative Yazananda das.

“When we, as Hare Krishnas, put down the archaic mrdangas and kartals and pick up a Yamaha DX7, the karmis go wild!”

This “wild” behavior was prevalent at the recent Festival of India in Baltimore, Maryland. During the Ratha-yatra procession, where it is nearly impossible to carry synthesizers, traditional instruments failed to whip the crowd into anything more than a slightly rowdy “swami step.” But after the parade, inside the Festival grounds, Depech das plugged in his Roland Juno 106, played a few notes and the crowd, composed mostly of karmis, leaped to their feet and immediately began chanting and dancing.

“It was as if Mahaprabhu himself was pushing that demo key,” said Durgan-durgan das, a new initiate.

Almost as popular as the synthesizer kirtans, the devotee band Four Old Dudes in Dhotis have been ripping up the ISKCON festival circuit.

“I’ve seen Metallica play the Whiskey in ‘84, but that doesn’t come close to seeing Four Old Dudes in Dhotis kicking ass on a Festival of India stage,” said Howard Numan, president of the Four Old Dudes Fanclub.

Like Depech das who has been lugging his synth rack to festivals since the mid-80’s, Four Old Dudes in Dhotis have been playing Ratha Yatra festivals since shortly after ISKCON Found-Acarya, Srila Prabhupada, passed away.

There has been some controversy over whether Srila Prabhupada would ever have approved of such nontraditional music being played by devotees at festivals, but this recent study by RVC has put many minds at ease.

“Our own studies show that karmis love synthesizer kirtans. It is making so many devotees all over the world,” said Yazananda. Adding, “Just listen to the blissful beat of the DDD-1 drum machine! How could Srila Prabhupada not be pleased?”

One participant of the Woodstock ‘99-like crowd spoke for most in attendance as he climbed up the speaker tower and shouted, “When he pushes the demo button on his Korg TR76, I totally lose control!”

He then stage dived into a veritable sea of karmis dancing and chanting to the beats pumped out by Depech das’s Yamaha PSS-150 as he accented the kirtana with innumerable synth claps and brass attacks.

FLORIDA - When the International Society for Krishna Consciousness was first incorporated in 1965, the Society consisted mostly of young men and women, but as its members grew older, the dynamics of the movement changed.

Many of the nation’s elderly live in nursing homes, enduring chronic pain and loneliness. Though the aged are greatly inconvenienced, they lack better options. This is where the devotee-fronted business Nursing Temple, Inc. comes in.

“Today, you will find only old folks here,” says the President Sad-Isvara das, 94. “Our scriptures advise us to care for our elders.”

While nondevotee nursing homes are fully staffed with trained nurses and doctors to tend to the round-the-clock care of the residents, Nursing Temple sees this as an affront to God.

“We prefer to depend soley upon Krishna, says Tyagini dasi, 69, Nursing Temple’s board president. “Why waste time on maintaining this body, which is nothing but a decaying bag of puss, stool and urine?”

West Coast Governing Body Commissioner, Drishtaketu dasa (102), said: “The youngest devotee in my zone joined 1979. He’s a rookie. I don’t trust those young whippersnappers. They don’t know what we had to go through in 1966.”

The activities at Nursing Temple are focused mainly around the grhastas. This has angered Rishi das, 86, the lone brahmacari in the community. “The grhastas never treat me as an equal. They think brahmacaris are immature and escapists.”

Though most of the relationships within Nursing Temple are blissful, not everyone has been able to cultivate friendly relationships in the temple community. “I’ve bickered with Pari since 1968, when he was leading the college preaching in Iowa,” said Maha Yudha das, 94. The 95 year old Pari replied: “Now you can see his mentality, he doesn’t even call me by my full name, Paritoshananda, although I am an older devotee.”

Sexism, too, is a common problem. A radical feminst group calling themselves “The Prabhus” wrote numerous letters of protest to the GBC. “We want to park our wheelchairs on the right-half of the temple room during the arotik, not in the back,” demanded Prabhus’s spokeswoman Bhima dasi, 87. Adding, “we know where they keep their Geritol!”

In the early days the society was accused of depriving its members of sleep and forcing them to overwork. “It’s true, we went through some rough times,” the president said, “we were young and inexperienced. Nowadays it’s completely different. We have several nap times throughout the day. Quiet hour starts at 6pm.”

Since even the management of Nursing Temple is elder, the question of who will replace them once they leave their bodies and go back home back to Godhead has been raised. “Ma suchah, do not fear. We are strict vegetarians. We have another decade or two before we will leave our bodies,” said the 94 year old Sad-Isvara. “Some have been saying that I should let the youngens take over. That’s hogwash. They can have my position when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.”

Other senior disciples agreed. Drishtaketu added, “my GBC zone will collapse the day I give it up. They just need me. Sure, at 102, I am getting little older, but there’s still juice in me.”

Nursing Temple, Inc. is providing the aging vaisnavas a positive alternative to their kids throwing them in karmi-run nursing homes.

Tyangini agreed, “Karmi nursing homes are simply waiting rooms for the hellish planets. Come to Nursing Temple and take a nice long sponge bath in the mercy of Lord Mahaprabhu.”

“It is fact,” said two-year adherent, bhakta Randal, “she is nicely following Vedic culture by getting the hell out of my way, otherwise, she is simply prostitute.” Adding, “Could you let her know that I think it’s really nice, that she gets the hell out of my way? Could you tell her that for me?”

Abhava devi dasi sustained slight abrasions and a bruise on her knee as she got the hell out of the way for His Holiness Matsarya das Goswami as they passed each other in the downstairs hallway near the lobby.

“She is so chaste,” reports Sri Danda das brahmacari, “just see how completely her head is covered. And how her eyes never quite make contact with yours.”

Another brahmacari questioned, “I wonder what color they are.”

One such event was witnessed by a family visiting the temple for the first time. “What was that about?” Asked Ron Browning, the father of the family of four, after seeing Abhava devi dasi trip over her own feet to get the hell out of the way near the washroom as several Hare Krishna monks wandered by. “That just doesn’t seem right.”

When questioned about his temple’s unspoken policy about brahmacarinis, Kamarupam Swami, temple commander and bhakta leader, disagreed that it was sexist.

“The idea that women are mistreated in the temple is completely bogus.” He continued, “outside the temple, they are practically trained to casually walk past so many men. Is that not abuse?”

Temple visitors are not the only ones talking about Abhava devi dasi’s behavior. Talk in the men’s ashrama has turned to discussing her actions as well.

“I really appreciate her dedication to Srila Prabhupada,” says Pradhana das, during the brahmacari ashrama’s Tuesday night Bhagavad-gita study group, “she gets the hell out of my way better than any mataji I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s true,” added life-long brahmacari, Devakanya das, “Have you ever noticed that even though Abhava’s long, brown hair sways back and forth, it never comes undone as she glides across the floor to the wall?”

“And how, when she casts herself to the wall as we move past, her sari nearly exposes her slender waist giving way to the soft curve of her hips,” said Menaka das, closing his eyes. “Even as she gets the hell out of my way, she remains such a nice, chaste mataji.”

Abhava devi dasi’s conduct has not gone unnoticed. “Most women do not understand how to act in front of men,” Kamarupam Swami said after a thoughtful pause. “Most women will casually stroll by, hardly noticing me at all. But when Abhava devi dasi gets the hell out of my way, I can fell her sincere concern for my spiritual life.”

Dozens of devotees, most in traditional religious dress, fought with each other for hours, throwing punches, pulling homemade weapons and hurling Molotov cocktails.

“What they are failing to understand,” said Akushala das of the other rioters, nursing a broken femur and concussion, “is that I am lower than the puss on a weeping ulcer of a leper.”

According to sources, Vaisnava Ke das and Abudha das were discussing whose service it was to clean the ashrama bathrooms. Abudha suggested that he was lower than a worm in stool and couldn’t be trusted to properly clean such a holy place as the bathroom of a pure devotee. Abudha das countered by explaining that it was he, not Vaisnava Ke, who was lower than an ant eating the stool of a worm in stool. Abudha then proceeded to punch his opponent in the throat.

Tensions had clearly been mounting, as this simple argument sent this simple temple into a simple riot.

“Though I am most fallen and do not deserve to be in this riot of such advanced devotees, I have been blessed by Lord Sri Krishna with two lacerations to the head and a knife wound in my stomach,” said Himsananda das who was limping and covered in blood.

Throughout the grisly affair, cries of “it is I who am most fallen!” could be heard over the painful screams and homemade explosives.

“How are they not seeing that I am more fallen than the dead flesh eaten by maggots that will most certainly infest my soon-to-be gangrenous arm, which was sliced by a broken bottle of Ganga water,” exclaimed Ciram devi dasi, whose arm, smashed and cut by a cricket bat aligned with sharpened metal spikes, waved useless in the breeze.

GBC sanctioned deputies sped through the temple grounds spraying clouds of tear gas as GBC officers in riot gear attempted to round up the mob in full insurrection.

According to official GBC reports, over 200 devotee rioters are being detained in Mayapura.

Even with GBC presence and arrests, the riot escalated unthought-of levels.

“Oh just see the mercy of Guru and Gauranga!” shouted Madam das, whose body was riddled with bullets, “While I am not worthy to die in the gutter of a latrine where one who has simply tasted prasadam will someday pass stool, I will most certainly leave this wretched, worthless body at such an auspicious time as this in the most holy of holy dhamas!”

The Chowpatty temple, in a press conference given later that day, expressed regret that such true humility had to come to such a violent, but auspicious end.

“We are all equally most fallen,” said Chowpatty spokesperson Arjun Malik. “Though some of us are more equally most fallen than others.”

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And just to remember the good ol’ days, each year on your most holy appearance day, you’ll receive an extravagant vyasa-puja organized by our dedicated Worship Committee. And of course, the disciples who haven’t abandoned you are more than welcome to attend. You’ll even receive a commemorative Vyasa-puja Offerings Book, full of glorifications to you and you alone!

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And remember, we keep our vows, so you don’t have to keep yours!

The Ganesha Lingam Fountain features Ganesha, the elephant-headed demigod, hugging a Shiva Lingam. According to the manufacturer’s website and catalog, “water flows from top of lingam into lotus flower; internal light in his body glows in the dark.”

The contention seems to have been started by concerned area brahmacari, Mahasucaha das, who, in an angrily written letter to the GBC, described the sculpture as “a raunchy display of Hindu impersonalism at its worst” and demanded that it be taken out of circulation immediately.

The controversial icon went unnoticed by senior devotees until the most recent annual GBC (ISKCON’s Governing Body Commission) meetings. A special top-secret caucus was called to discuss Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s decision to release the fountain.

While the discussions of the meeting are held under tight confidentiality, the exposure of the figurine has stunned many ISKCON devotees.

Immediately following the special caucus, six prominent sannyasis, including three gurus in good standing, publicly stepped down, unable to maintain their strict vows.

“How could I continue in the saffron dress of a renunciate after seeing such an abominable image?” asked Ahirikam das, former sannyasi.

Several other ex-sannyasis are also struggling with their return to householder life, one even marrying the first woman he saw. “If I didn’t marry a woman, the fountain would have made me think so many abominable thoughts.” said newlywed Upadana das.

“Since viewing the fountain of water spurting from the lingam, I have been unable to think of anything else for days, even weeks,” reveled ex-sannyasis Moha das, adding “I am frightened of continuing such a deviant lifestyle.”

Hindu-Tacki Collectibles CEO, Dandal Patel, issued a press release stating he “sees nothing wrong with Ganesha hugging a Lingham with water spurting from its tip.” However, even with the public outcry in mind, he refuses to consider pulling the Lingham fountain from circulation.

Sannyasis weren’t the only victims of this bawdy knick knack. Seven of ISKCON’s thirteen American brahmacaris put on white after hearing of such a display. Dvesha das, ex-brahmacari, relates, “This is just another attempt by corporate Hinduism to proliferate immoral ideals throughout ISKCON.”

Unable to cope with the shock of the figurine, a two of the seven ex-brahmacaris left ISKCON completely, purchasing a pastel-colored historical row house in San Francisco’s Sunset District.

Due to Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s failure to immediately act upon their wishes, the GBC declared the statue “amoral.” Though many individual temple gift shops have curbed the sale of it, the GBC stopped short of placing a movement-wide ban upon the lurid sculpture of the Lingham.

Instead, they issued a decree that every package containing the Ganesha Lingham fountain be labeled with a Renunciate Advisory sticker to “warn sannyasis and brahmacaris that the contents of the package may be offensive and detrimental to their spiritual wellbeing.”

“Hopefully the movement can recover from this hardship,” said GBC spokesperson Satyendra Nandi, “our job is to focus on the important issues effecting the devotees spiritual lives.” He added, “And today, we can most definitely claim big, big victory.”

Typically, this waiting period is 2-3 business days, the time it takes for temple treasurer Nandakumar Gupta to prepare the papers for the IRS and accountant, Larry Spigman.

“Usually we are very quick,” says Gupta from behind a stack of W-4 forms. “But now Larry is busy with so many things. We are very quickly searching for new accountant.”

The arrival of new devotees was at an all-time low, until the temple board decided to hire full time sankirtana workers. These full time employees, many who were out-of-work TV commercial actors, work 40 hours a week chanting, dancing and distributing books on the corner of Maple and High Streets. The results of their labor are obvious.

“Normally, we’d get one or two new bhaktas a month, but now we get four or five a week,” said bhakta leader Balanga das, adding, “It’s really hard to keep up with all the paperwork.”

In the past month, the temple has taken on over 20 new bhaktas. Nearly all of these bhaktas are awaiting the processing of their work papers.

“I just want to mop a floor or clean some pots,” says new convert, Bhakta Todd, “I can’t wait to get in there and do some real seva.”

Bhakta Joe, who joined up with Bhakta Todd, agreed, “I don’t get it, why can’t we clean the temple or a bathroom or two?”

Some congregational members suggested that the temple pay the new bhaktas “under the table.” But, according to temple authorities, working “under the table” (the practice of paying a worker without reporting it to the IRS) is something that the temple would never do. “It is simply wrong,” say Gupta, “for a bhakta to earn wages and not report, it is robbery, he is criminal.”

Another problem addressed at an emergency temple board meeting is that if the rate of new bhaktas does not soon decrease, the temple will be unable to pay the new adherents, even after the paperwork is sorted out.

“We are given only so much laxmi for payroll,” say Gupta, “we are now having to turn new devotees away, we have no more positions to fill.”

The temple board has also placed a hiring freeze on new bhaktas. The sankirtan workers can still go out to collect laxmi, but for now they are not allowed to bring back any new recruits.

“I just don’t know what to do,” said a visibly upset Jason Marsh, who has been studying Srila Prabhupada’s books, classes and conversations for over a year, “I wanted to join the temple, be in the association of devotees, to do some service.”

When Marsh was told about the hiring freeze, he asked the sankirtana manager, “Hiring freeze? Didn’t Srila Prabhupada say that temple devotees shouldn’t get salaries? I just want to do service, I don’t want to get paid, I just want to do it for free.”

The sankirtana manager replied by saying, “Prabhu, you can quote Srila Prabhupada all you want, but to work at the temple, you have to be on payroll. Anything else just isn’t practical.”

Back at the temple, the new bhaktas have been told to read from Srila Prabhupada’s books until the paperwork can be processed, however, even that practice has been called into question.

“Srila Prabhupada says that even reading his books is devotional service,” says temple board member Ravi Patel, “how can a devotee perform devotional service when not on the temple payroll?” Adding, “you are asking for big, big lawsuit.”

Five of the original ensemble members led the Sunday feast program with a live performance of its hit “Within Vrndavana’s Woods and Groves.” The be-robed ensemble officially broke up in 1992, most of the members pursuing solo careers.

The New Vrndavana Accordion Ensemble plans to play temples, prasad halls and some festivals in a North American tour beginning May 9 for New Vrndavana’s Festival of Inspiration.

Some confirmed cities on the tour include Gita Nagari, Murari-sevaka, New Goloka, New Talavan, New Raman Reti, New Govardhana Hill, New Kusum Sarovara, New Jagannatha Puri, New Dwarka, Saranagati Dham, Bhaktivedanta Cultural Center, and several Festival of India Dates.

During the ensemble’s short, but exciting career, they rose to fame not only in America, but also in Japan, signing a two-cassette tape deal with Pony-Cannon Records. A short tour of Japan, starting at the New Gaya Dham court yard, is in the works.

If all goes as planned, the triumphant return of one of the most influential Hare Krishna accordion ensembles of the late 80’s may also be followed by a new studio album, industry insiders say.

It was originally reported that New Vrndavana’s choir, The Krishna Chorale, would also be reuniting to open for the accordion ensemble on tour, but blamed “artistic differences” in their failure to get back together. However, sources close to the Chorale report that “it would be a cold day in Patala-loka before the Krishna Chorale would open for those damn squeeze-boxers.”

Ticket prices for the North American leg will range from “doing a little seva” to $25. A portion of the tour’s proceeds will go to AccordionAid, an anti-poverty organization that provides slightly used accordions to temple residents.

-

For a limited time only…

For only a very short time, the New Vrndavana Accordion Ensemble has given The Hing permission to sell limited edition NVAE tshirts (as pictured above).

They are available in sizes S, M, L and XL.

The shirts are hand-printed on black tshirts made in America. No sweatshop nonsense here, prabhus!

All shirts are $15 ppd (postage paid). And all purchases will go through paypal.

Haribol!!

“We basically ran out of devotees to interview,” said Priyavaisnava devi dasi, spokesperson for ITV. “The first generation of Srila Prabhupada disciples have told their story. Now it’s time for the first generation of viewers to tell theirs.”

According to the ITV Productions website, this new series will contain “Nectarian interviews of devotees who have had personal viewing of the famous Memories of Srila Prabhupada series.” It continues, “Interviews with devotee who actually saw the original Memories of Srila Prabhupada reveal many sides to the Memories series, including poignant serious moments and light hearted humorous pastimes.”

Adding, “the Memories of Srila Prabhupada series has been around so long that few devotees can remember a time when it did not exist.”

While the exact release date of the early volumes of the original Memories of Srila Prabhupada series remains shrouded in mystery, several devotees can still recall their first viewing.

“I remember, it was probably two or three years after I joined up… or maybe it was when I moved to the Dallas temple…” said Krsna Prema dasa, adding “No, I got it, it was after I got back from my first time in India… or maybe it was my second, anyway, those videos were great.”

ITV has stated that they will be interviewing five or six devotees for each volume, starting with the devotees who joined up “sometime in the late 80’s or early 90’s.”

“The devotees who viewed the first several volumes of Memories of Srila Prabhupada have either blooped or are getting to the age where they soon won’t even remember viewing it,” said Priyavaisnava. “Time is now critical. It’s important that their memories are preserved for future generations.”

Keeping with their tradition of interviewing controversial devotees like Kirtananda das and Hamsadutta das, ITV plans on devoting an entire volume to Vraja Kishor das from the famous straightedge krishnacore band 108, who first viewed the series in the early 90’s while on tour with Shelter.

“Originally, we wanted to split that volume with Harley Flannigan of the Cro-Mags,” said Priyavaisnava, “but since Harley couldn’t even remember being a devotee, the entire volume went to Vraja.”

The Memories of Memories of Srila Prabhupada DVD series is projected to span 54 volumes, bringing this entire Prabhupada series total to an even 108, thus making it auspicious.

In a move that could be seen as controversial, the Grhasta Bargaining Committee has suggested that, rather than divorce, which is fit only for sudras, Parampati simply retires from the grhasta ashrama and will no longer present himself as a grhasta.

“For many years, our Parampati prabhu has struggled with his grhasta vows,” said temple spokesperson Shankar Mondal. “We are very fortunate to see that this will no longer be such an issue.”

With the drastic rise of divorce within ISKCON, this new precedent could greatly decrease those embarrassing numbers. “Many of our best grhastas are cheating on their wives, which is causing big, big divorce,” reports a Grhasata Bargaining Committee member. “This grhasta retirement practically ensures that scholars and the general public will once again take our movement seriously.”

Since his retirement, Parampati no longer presents himself as a married devotee, adding “my wife and children should simply take shelter of senior vaisnavas.”

Parampati still plans to attend temple programs regularly. In addition, according to temple authorities, he has recently been seen preaching to the karmis at various bars and pubs throughout the city.

“My life hasn’t really changed all that much,” Parampati says of his new status. “I am still preaching very nicely and traveling extensively.” Though, he admits that not everything is as it seems. “I find myself listening to a lot more REO Speedwagon that I previously did.” Adding, “A lot more.”

The Grhasta Bargaining Committee has formed a probation team, made up of other devotee husbands, to monitor Parampati’s progress and to see that he complies with an “open door policy on fun.” The probation team will accompany Parampati on his preaching tour traveling with Ozzfest 2008. “We believe that the reunion of the original members of Black Sabbath will provide fertile ground for preaching to the fallen, conditioned souls.”

Parampati plans to maintain the status of “retired grhasta” for as long as possible. Though in his later years, he hopes to take retired sannyasa initiation from a retired sannyasa guru.