While the fact that senior devotees purchased radiation suits is undeniably true, also true are the allegations that Bhakta Charlie purposely failed to state that these senior Srila Prabhupada disciples actually bought the radiation suits to complete the costuming of their Krishna conscious Devo cover band.

DEVOtee, a band dedicated to the propagation of Vedic philosophy though electronic new wave music and red plastic “energy domes,” has just recorded their first album Q: Are We Not Karmis? A: We Are DEVOtee.

Their fall tour will kick off with a few promo spots on Japanese TV, but will head to small venues stateside in November.

While the motivation for such a blatant attempt at slander remains a mystery, sources close to Bhakta Charlie report him to be the sound engineer behind rival Krishna conscious synthesizer-based act Four Old Dudes Kickin’ Ass on the Stage, a band who many feel have out-lived their mantra rock relevance.

DEVOtee’s first single, “The End of the World Is Near (And I Feel Fine Because Home is Really Elsewhere),” a Devoesque cover of the similarly-titled REM song, promises to be a chart topper, marking DEVOtee’s place atop the Hare Krishna synthpop world.

This retreat center is nestled deep within the city limits of Youngstown, far from the spiritual trivialities of a more natural surrounding.

The week-long seminar will focus upon living a true “fringie” lifestyle without the guilt commonly associated with leading a double-life.

• TREAT yourself by taking time to focus on your relationship popular culture, the building block of good prajalpa.
• RELEARN how to properly speak English without an affected Bengali accent and head-wobble.
• DISCOVER all the popular culture you missed out on when you moved into a temple. This Prajalpa Retreat will host a Seinfeld Marathon!
• BRIDGE the gap between where you are in your spiritual life and where you want to be in your material life.
• CONNECT deeply with devotees who are serious about improving their prajalpa.

In the past, Prajalpa Retreats have met with great success. Many devotees didn’t think twice about shelling out the nearly $800 to do something they do for free everyday.

“The Prajalpa Retreat in Flint, Michigan can not be compared to any other event that I have ever attended through many years,” related Anarthanandini devi dasi. “Except, perhaps, that one time when a few bhaktins and I sneaked out to Atlantic City and blew nearly a grand in a weekend. Those were fun times.”

Bam-bambole das, a confessed Prajalpa Retreat junky relates, “I have been prajalpaing for nearly a decade, but the retreats have finally shown me how the karmis really do it. It has had a profound effect on my material life. I have had so many failed businesses, but I now feel that I could host Prajalpa Retreats of my own and it would be very much successful.”

However, the Prajalpa Retreats are not without controversy. Manava das Goswami, one of the most outspoken opponents of the retreats, said, “These retreats are nonsense money-making schemes. You do not need to pay nearly $1000 to learn how to watch TV, gossip and engage in activities in which so many are naturally expert. Simply by practicing prajalpa, better prajalpa will effortlessly come to you.”

The Youngstown Prajalpa Retreat will cover all the regular topics common to Level One retreats, but will also add a few new surprises, including: How to Quote Srila Prabhupada to Fit Your Needs and Krishna Wants You to Be Rich.

While Wednesday will feature the much-anticipated Seinfeld Marathon, Thursday will feature Retreat favorite Harry-katha by Harry Anderson, star of the hit 80’s sitcom Night Court.

Prasadam will be arranged through the Taco Bell across the street and the vending machine in the lobby. Just offer it to Shiva or something.

The Prajalpa Retreat will wind down on Sunday night following the Steelers/Giants game on Fox TV. Go Steelers!

Prajalpa Retreat, Level 2 will be taking place in April of 2009 in Parking Lot C at the Sunoco Oil Refinery in South Philadelphia.

“It was becoming increasingly difficult to preach inside of a city with so many people,” relates Subhash Jeevanandam, temple president. “The philosophy is so nice that if you preach to them, they want to join up, they want to keep coming back. That becomes big, big expense.”

In order to curtail such a frivolous use of money, the temple management board unanimously voted to move the temple way the hell outside of town where “nobody will find us.”

The Hindu Laxmi Mission Cultural Center co-sponsored the building after the Krishnas agreed to fill half the slots on their temple board with the Mission’s highest-ranking officials.

“Now, we can do fund raising exclusively within the Hindu community,” said Bipal Patel, temple board member. “All of our monetary needs are met through samskaras and birthday parties. What need do we have for street preaching and book distribution?”

The Hare Krishnas had been long-time residents of downtown Albuquerque opening their temple in 1972. Since then, devotees had been a staple of city life. The free Sunday “Love Feasts” were attended and appreciated by city-bound followers, the homeless, curious passers-by and neighborhood residents.

“Yes, many people would come,” said Mr. Patel. “But you would have to preach to them and give them free food and sometimes free books. They had no money for donations. Did they think we were in the business of liberally distributing the Lord’s mercy for free?”

Chris Jenkins, who regularly attended the Sunday feast program, claims that he will miss the downtown temple, “I can’t make it all the way the hell out there on Sunday nights. I work the next morning.”

Temple board members conceded that they will lose some city devotees, but did not express concern. “The city devotees were not self sufficient. They would come and eat our Sunday feast and give only a little donation or maybe buy a book.”

Temple president, Jeevanandam continued, “They could not sponsor feasts or ceremonies. They did not even want car pooja. How are they not wanting car pooja – so fallen! Not only does our new congregation demand car pooja, they sponsor the feasts, and cook them too.”

Since the new congregation is not preached to, book sales have plummeted. The temple has even returned several pallets of unneeded books to the BBT.

“What were we going to do with them?” asked Mr. Patel. “Our congregation now is Hindu, what need do we have for Srila Prabhupada? His books won’t bring as much money as maha-kalasha or pooja thali. Prabhupada always said to do the needful, but what is the need for so many books way the hell outside of town?”

On the first Sunday night without a downtown free feast in 36 years, a crowd gathered near the closed down and boarded up ex-temple. Several brought drums and finger cymbals. One long time attendee softly sang the Hare Krishna mantra as other wiped tears from their eyes before singing along.

“It’s a shame they had to do this,” said Bonnie Clarkson, another weekly attendee from the city temple, “I was really taking to the philosophy. It seemed perfect.” Adding, “maybe we’ll go check out the Narayana Maharaja folks or the Ritviks, at least they still seem to be preaching. Plus they’re not way the hell outside of town.”

However, since moving into the Philly asrama, Bhakta Alec has acquired 3 sweater vests. “The chocolate brown one is my favorite,” said Alec after a recent darshan with the ISKCON guru and GBC representative, Ravindra Svarupa. “But the forest green one and the maroon one with the fake knitted braids are good too.”

Prior to becoming a Hare Krishna, Bhakta Alec admits he never even considered owning a sweater vest, preferring nylon windbreakers from Dick’s to woolens from L.L. Bean. While he credits his new wardrobe to the lack of heat and insulation in the asrama and steadily says “he is waiting for Srila Gurudeva to reveal himself to me in my heart,” others are skeptical.

“He’s totally Phillyed out,” reports long-time temple member Big Jay Bhakti. “He looks like a little Ravindra Svarupa. The other day I even heard him quoting Thomas Merton to some college students who came for lunch prasad.” Adding, “he’s on his way to being a full-on RSD disciple.”

The other asrama resident, Maha Suci das, shared that although Bhakta Alec fits the profile of a Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu disciple, there has been no indication, aside from the woolens and affinity to Christian theologists, that Bhakta Alec is aspiring for initiation from anyone. “When he starts listening to classical music, I mean seriously listening, that’s when I’ll start asking him if he’s aspiring.”

“Many devotees have asked me if I was aspiring for Ravindra Svarupa prabhu,” said Bhakta Alec while paging through the more recent issue of New Yorker Magazine. “But I just don’t see why they’d just assume that.”

At almost any other temple, Bhakta Alec’s recent purchase of a 2008 VW Passat, its glovebox stuffed with Atomic Fireball Candies, would have been sharply criticized by fellow devotees. Alec, always wanting to keep the peace, calmed any possible dispute by taking the rest of the asrama for Rita’s Italian Ice and their bi-weekly visit to Brooks Brothers, a clothier renowned for their selection of the finest sweater vests made.

“The initiation of the famous Sriman George Harrison is a long-overdue and auspicious occasion,” said Kapirasa das, who performed the ceremony on behalf of Srila Prabhupada. “His name is now Sriman Hari das.”

Since meeting the devotees in 1969 until the time of his death, ISKCON had been trying to woo Harrison to their cause. Harrison, who often seemed to distance himself from the organization, remained what he called a “plain clothes devotee,” abstaining from meat eating, but not illicit sex and intoxication.

“It is true, he was never able to follow the regulative principles,” said Kapirasa das. ” but now that he has left his body, that is no longer an issue.”

ISKCON representative, Matsaryam das, expressed disgust at the initiation asking, “How can the ritviks do this?” asked When Srila Prabhupada was on the planet, he would have to approve of invitations prior to the ceremony. Now that he is no longer with he, he can give no such approval.” Adding, “besides, everybody knows we had dibs on George!”

“Yes, ISKCON had dibs,” conceited Kapirasa das, “but according to ISKCON’s initiation policy, the disciple has to be alive. Fortunately, being presently on this planet has no bearing to our philosophy.”

Shortly after meeting the devotees, George Harrison told Srila Prabhupada that he wanted to shave up, take initiation and move into a temple. Srila Prabhupada disagreed, stating, “just continue your music and Krishna will be greatly pleased.”

Kapirasa das agreed with Srila Prabhupada’s instruction. “Yes, at that time for Sriman Hari prabhu, those were the perfect instructions. But we must act according to time, place and circumstance. Now that his music career is over, it is time for him to seriously take to Krishna consciousness.”

ISKCON argues that the famous George Harrison was not a follower of the Ritvik ideology. “He was a true vaisnava, a follower of ISKCON,” said Matsaryam. “It is just simple fact that no other means of spiritual realization is as effective in this age of quarrel and hypocrisy as being a member of ISKCON.”

According to sources within the Ritvik camp, a dozen or more devotees have been waiting to take Ritvik initiation. Not from Srila Prabhupada, but from Sriman Hari das, George Harrison.

“After Srila Prabhupada left our mortal vision, we began performing posthumous ritvik initiations on his behalf,” said Kapirasa das. “I see no reason why, since Sriman Hari prabhu has left his body, that we cannot perform initiations on his behalf as well.”

There are many book distributors out there who can offer you tips about how to sell Srila Prabhupada’s books to the fallen, conditioned souls. Some focus on techniques like getting the book into their hands. Some use a sliding scale for prices. And some even resort to wearing karmi clothes.

But I’ve got a tip for you that is guaranteed to always get results: Look like John Stamos.

It’s easy to distribute books when you look like John Stamos.

You know, the famous Uncle Jesse from the hit 80’s sitcom, Full House. The character of Uncle Jesse was beloved by all! The girls thought he was a hunk and the guys all wanted to be like him. Believe me, I know what that’s like and thanks to John Stamos, I’m raking in the laxmi points on sankirtana!

Now, I hear what you’re saying, “but Janastotram prabhu, I don’t look like John Stamos!” And I can see how you’d think that’s a problem. I’ve got a secret, I didn’t look like John Stamos either until I grew the iconic Stamos mullet. I was shaved up for years until one day when I was applying Tilaka and caught a glimpse of John Stamos in the mirror.

A year later the mullet was fully installed – even had a special puja for it. And after a small out-patient procedure, I was John Stamos. My book scores doubled!

Another tip I can give you, and this is pretty important, adopt a catch phrase. I’ve taken nicely to the Elvis-inspired Uncle Jesse quote, “Have Mercy!.” On Full House, whenever Uncle Jesse would see a fine young lady, he would curl his lip like The King, wiggle his hips and say “Have Merr-saaaay!”

And since Srila Prabhupada’s message is 100% pure mercy, I can casually saunter up to a karmi, place a Gita in their hands, curl my upper lip and say it: Have Mercy! The girls all melt and the guys wish they were devotees who looked like me. It’s great!

But maybe you look too much unlike John Stamos to really be a convincing John Stamos. Might I suggest another cultural figure from other 80’s sitcoms? Take Joey Lawrence, for example. Do you look anything like Joey Lawrence? He’s no John Stamos, but I bet you could sling a few Gitas after throwing around a couple of “WHOA”’s. Or how about Kirk Cameron from TV’s Growing Pains? Ever thought about Scott Baio from Charles in Charge? Get yourself a Willie Ames and watch your Laxmi points soar!

Oh, and for the matajis, may I suggest Jo or Blair from The Facts of Life? Get two other girls to be Natalie and Tuti, dress up the ashrama leader as Mrs Garret and you’ve got yourself the best themed sankirtana party ever! And men, don’t completely rule out an A-Team sankirtana party! “I pity the fool who don’t take Prabhupada’s Gita!”

But there are, of course, some caveats. Personally, I would forget the instinct to attain Happy Days’s Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli. Sure he’s iconic, but everyone wants to be The Fonz. Seriously, if I see another devotee with slicked back hair, motorcycle jacket and tshirt holding “Perfect Questions, Perfect Answers” with one hand and giving a “thumbs up” with the other, I’m going to scream. And come on, what kind of catch phrase is, “Aaaaay!”? May I please beg to submit “Who’s the Boss” lead, Tony Micelli (played by the lovable Tony Danza) as a suitable alternative.

Oh, a word of caution: stay away from Balki Bartokomous of TV’s Perfect Strangers. Trust me, folks – not pretty.

So when you’re sitting by yourself in the ashrama at night, thinking of your sankirtana look, may I humbly suggest the 80’s situation comedies as a source of inspiration. John Stamos has served me (and Srila Prabhupada!) very well over the years. If you’ve been contemplating a Michael J Fox, Erik Estrada or even a Bill Cosby, I say go for it! Make the power of the 80’s sitcom work for you (and Krishna)!

A Kaupin is a loin-cloth traditionally worn by celibates to reduce the production of semen. The girding assists to raise energy from that area up the spine to nourish the brain, notably along with drinking hot milk while reading Krishna Book in the evening.

“My mother made me floss my teeth before and after every meal which amounted to childhood trauma”, Goswami, born Adam Garney, said. Although this was the main incentive to leave home and join the Hare Krishna’s, “every time I offer obeisances I am reminded of this flossing, rather than of guru and Krishna”, he confessed, after greeting the deities this morning.

Reflecting, “The Govindam prayer brings back memories of momma saying, ‘go floss ‘em, Adam!’” Purportedly, such bad karma would stop like the slowing down of a fan after being switched off.

When Goswami reported his difficulty to the temple authority and requested laksmi for two sets of boxer briefs from his sankirtan collection, he was returned with, “Maya. You are transcendental to phobia and need to wear kaupins so that your senses are controlled.” His authority then remarked that the temple funds were for Krishna’s service and not for “material problems”.

Goswami’s fellow brahmacaris reminded him of the story of a yogi who wanted two sets of kaupins, gradually accumulating “material things”, ending up with a house and a wife, the “death of a brahmacari.”

“This is a personal issue, not a product flaw,” said Susan Mistlefield, an Oral-B spokes persons. “Our dental floss is used by millions dentists worldwide and they are certainly not joining the Hare Krishnas.”

Due to his flossing phobia, Goswami often fails to offer obeisances before exiting the temple room. “If I could simply have a couple of pairs of Fruit of the Loom or maybe some Joe Boxers, I’d offer one thousand dandavats to the vaisnavas daily, outside the temple president’s office while praying to Raghunatha das Goswami, no problem.”

To possibly remedy the situation, temple authorities sent Goswami on a two week pilgrimage to holy Vrindavan. “A good dandavat parikrama of Govardhana should fix him right up,” said sankirtana leader, Apana das.

Shortly after parikrama, Goswami disappeared, leaving everything, including his kaupins, behind. He has since been seen along the banks of the Ganges River with the Naga Babas.

“What this amounts to is thievery,” says BBT International legal spokesperson Clarence Richards “Do these people really believe it is right to quote copyrighted scripture during these lectures without the express written permission of the BBT International? It’s stealing.”

BBT International charges that illegal citations of Srila Prabhupada’s books are costing Srila Prabhupada’s movement. Richards continues, “44% of BBT International’s revenue loss has been due to illegal citation.”

Earlier this year, the BBT International claimed a “phenomenal increase” in book sales. They now admit that the increase was due to accidentally counting Srila Prabhupada books printed in India by non-BBT International book trusts.

“Originally we believed reports that claimed sales were up,” said long time book distributor Pitha das. “But then I remembered that I haven’t distributed a book since the 2001 Rainbow Gathering and figured that their math must be a bit fuzzy.”

The usage rates that BBT International is slated to charge are very simple. The basic rate of $.36 per word will apply. Long hyphonated sanskrit words do not count as one long word, rather as several shorter words.

There are provisions for high-volume users such as gurus or professional lecturers. These devotees may buy rights in bulk, depending on their speaking schedule.

While similar “kickbacks” are seen as greedy in the karmi world, the BBT’s kickbacks are generally seen as Srila Prabhupada’s desire. “ISKCON is Srila Prabhupada’s body,” said BBT’s GBC represenative, Vani-kauta das. “Whatever ISKCON does must be Srila Prabhupada’s desire.”

Former sastra-sharer, Durmadha das agreed, “I used to recite verse after verse in Bhagavatam class. I now see how this stealing is wrong. From now on, all I will do is tell funny stories.”

For independent speakers, a 20 word limit per class will be imposed. Anyone violating the 20 word limit will be subject to hefty fines and possible arrest.

“While we believe it is nice that so many devotees want to quote nice scripture, we have a few guidelines we are asking them to follow,” said BBT International’s public relations spokesperson Anrita devi dasi, adding “We also request that, if possible, these be short words and that copyright notices are somehow displayed when verses are quoted.”

Though the vast majority of devotees support BBT International in this decision, there are a few fringe groups of devotee who claim to be in opposition.

“The quoting of scipture falls under ‘fair use,’” says rogue shastra sharer Caura das. “We’re not reprinting the books or making money off of it, we just want to quote Srila Prabhupada and the Vedas.”

But that is where the shastra sharers are mistaken, asserts Richards. “For it to fall under fair use, the quote must be attributed to the original artist. Many of these criminals do not even say ‘uvaca’ before quoting.”

He added, “Besides, the botched sanskrit significantly impairs market value of BBT International’s books, further drawing it away from the ‘fair use’ category.”

To prove to the devotee community that they are serious, BBT International has sued Mugdha das brahmacari $108,000 for running a Bhagavad-gita study group out of his ashrama room since 2004.

“We wanted to take out the most hardened criminals first and Mugdha prabhu was one of the worst,” said Anrita devi dasi. “His actual fines were in the millions of dollars, but we are offering a manageable, auspicious number as settlement.”

BBT International is preparing criminal lawsuits against thousands of devotees. And though their actions may fully bankrupt Srila Prabhupada’s movement, the changes will more than likely go unnoticed by most devotees.

The findings may contribute to understanding how wildly popular synthesizer kirtans have become at ISKCON festivals like Ratha-yatras, says RVC representative Yazananda das.

“When we, as Hare Krishnas, put down the archaic mrdangas and kartals and pick up a Yamaha DX7, the karmis go wild!”

This “wild” behavior was prevalent at the recent Festival of India in Baltimore, Maryland. During the Ratha-yatra procession, where it is nearly impossible to carry synthesizers, traditional instruments failed to whip the crowd into anything more than a slightly rowdy “swami step.” But after the parade, inside the Festival grounds, Depech das plugged in his Roland Juno 106, played a few notes and the crowd, composed mostly of karmis, leaped to their feet and immediately began chanting and dancing.

“It was as if Mahaprabhu himself was pushing that demo key,” said Durgan-durgan das, a new initiate.

Almost as popular as the synthesizer kirtans, the devotee band Four Old Dudes in Dhotis have been ripping up the ISKCON festival circuit.

“I’ve seen Metallica play the Whiskey in ‘84, but that doesn’t come close to seeing Four Old Dudes in Dhotis kicking ass on a Festival of India stage,” said Howard Numan, president of the Four Old Dudes Fanclub.

Like Depech das who has been lugging his synth rack to festivals since the mid-80’s, Four Old Dudes in Dhotis have been playing Ratha Yatra festivals since shortly after ISKCON Found-Acarya, Srila Prabhupada, passed away.

There has been some controversy over whether Srila Prabhupada would ever have approved of such nontraditional music being played by devotees at festivals, but this recent study by RVC has put many minds at ease.

“Our own studies show that karmis love synthesizer kirtans. It is making so many devotees all over the world,” said Yazananda. Adding, “Just listen to the blissful beat of the DDD-1 drum machine! How could Srila Prabhupada not be pleased?”

One participant of the Woodstock ‘99-like crowd spoke for most in attendance as he climbed up the speaker tower and shouted, “When he pushes the demo button on his Korg TR76, I totally lose control!”

He then stage dived into a veritable sea of karmis dancing and chanting to the beats pumped out by Depech das’s Yamaha PSS-150 as he accented the kirtana with innumerable synth claps and brass attacks.

FLORIDA – When the International Society for Krishna Consciousness was first incorporated in 1965, the Society consisted mostly of young men and women, but as its members grew older, the dynamics of the movement changed.

Many of the nation’s elderly live in nursing homes, enduring chronic pain and loneliness. Though the aged are greatly inconvenienced, they lack better options. This is where the devotee-fronted business Nursing Temple, Inc. comes in.

“Today, you will find only old folks here,” says the President Sad-Isvara das, 94. “Our scriptures advise us to care for our elders.”

While nondevotee nursing homes are fully staffed with trained nurses and doctors to tend to the round-the-clock care of the residents, Nursing Temple sees this as an affront to God.

“We prefer to depend soley upon Krishna, says Tyagini dasi, 69, Nursing Temple’s board president. “Why waste time on maintaining this body, which is nothing but a decaying bag of puss, stool and urine?”

West Coast Governing Body Commissioner, Drishtaketu dasa (102), said: “The youngest devotee in my zone joined 1979. He’s a rookie. I don’t trust those young whippersnappers. They don’t know what we had to go through in 1966.”

The activities at Nursing Temple are focused mainly around the grhastas. This has angered Rishi das, 86, the lone brahmacari in the community. “The grhastas never treat me as an equal. They think brahmacaris are immature and escapists.”

Though most of the relationships within Nursing Temple are blissful, not everyone has been able to cultivate friendly relationships in the temple community. “I’ve bickered with Pari since 1968, when he was leading the college preaching in Iowa,” said Maha Yudha das, 94. The 95 year old Pari replied: “Now you can see his mentality, he doesn’t even call me by my full name, Paritoshananda, although I am an older devotee.”

Sexism, too, is a common problem. A radical feminst group calling themselves “The Prabhus” wrote numerous letters of protest to the GBC. “We want to park our wheelchairs on the right-half of the temple room during the arotik, not in the back,” demanded Prabhus’s spokeswoman Bhima dasi, 87. Adding, “we know where they keep their Geritol!”

In the early days the society was accused of depriving its members of sleep and forcing them to overwork. “It’s true, we went through some rough times,” the president said, “we were young and inexperienced. Nowadays it’s completely different. We have several nap times throughout the day. Quiet hour starts at 6pm.”

Since even the management of Nursing Temple is elder, the question of who will replace them once they leave their bodies and go back home back to Godhead has been raised. “Ma suchah, do not fear. We are strict vegetarians. We have another decade or two before we will leave our bodies,” said the 94 year old Sad-Isvara. “Some have been saying that I should let the youngens take over. That’s hogwash. They can have my position when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.”

Other senior disciples agreed. Drishtaketu added, “my GBC zone will collapse the day I give it up. They just need me. Sure, at 102, I am getting little older, but there’s still juice in me.”

Nursing Temple, Inc. is providing the aging vaisnavas a positive alternative to their kids throwing them in karmi-run nursing homes.

Tyangini agreed, “Karmi nursing homes are simply waiting rooms for the hellish planets. Come to Nursing Temple and take a nice long sponge bath in the mercy of Lord Mahaprabhu.”