“What this amounts to is thievery,” says BBT International legal spokesperson Clarence Richards “Do these people really believe it is right to quote copyrighted scripture during these lectures without the express written permission of the BBT International? It’s stealing.”

BBT International charges that illegal citations of Srila Prabhupada’s books are costing Srila Prabhupada’s movement. Richards continues, “44% of BBT International’s revenue loss has been due to illegal citation.”

Earlier this year, the BBT International claimed a “phenomenal increase” in book sales. They now admit that the increase was due to accidentally counting Srila Prabhupada books printed in India by non-BBT International book trusts.

“Originally we believed reports that claimed sales were up,” said long time book distributor Pitha das. “But then I remembered that I haven’t distributed a book since the 2001 Rainbow Gathering and figured that their math must be a bit fuzzy.”

The usage rates that BBT International is slated to charge are very simple. The basic rate of $.36 per word will apply. Long hyphonated sanskrit words do not count as one long word, rather as several shorter words.

There are provisions for high-volume users such as gurus or professional lecturers. These devotees may buy rights in bulk, depending on their speaking schedule.

While similar “kickbacks” are seen as greedy in the karmi world, the BBT’s kickbacks are generally seen as Srila Prabhupada’s desire. “ISKCON is Srila Prabhupada’s body,” said BBT’s GBC represenative, Vani-kauta das. “Whatever ISKCON does must be Srila Prabhupada’s desire.”

Former sastra-sharer, Durmadha das agreed, “I used to recite verse after verse in Bhagavatam class. I now see how this stealing is wrong. From now on, all I will do is tell funny stories.”

For independent speakers, a 20 word limit per class will be imposed. Anyone violating the 20 word limit will be subject to hefty fines and possible arrest.

“While we believe it is nice that so many devotees want to quote nice scripture, we have a few guidelines we are asking them to follow,” said BBT International’s public relations spokesperson Anrita devi dasi, adding “We also request that, if possible, these be short words and that copyright notices are somehow displayed when verses are quoted.”

Though the vast majority of devotees support BBT International in this decision, there are a few fringe groups of devotee who claim to be in opposition.

“The quoting of scipture falls under ‘fair use,’” says rogue shastra sharer Caura das. “We’re not reprinting the books or making money off of it, we just want to quote Srila Prabhupada and the Vedas.”

But that is where the shastra sharers are mistaken, asserts Richards. “For it to fall under fair use, the quote must be attributed to the original artist. Many of these criminals do not even say ‘uvaca’ before quoting.”

He added, “Besides, the botched sanskrit significantly impairs market value of BBT International’s books, further drawing it away from the ‘fair use’ category.”

To prove to the devotee community that they are serious, BBT International has sued Mugdha das brahmacari $108,000 for running a Bhagavad-gita study group out of his ashrama room since 2004.

“We wanted to take out the most hardened criminals first and Mugdha prabhu was one of the worst,” said Anrita devi dasi. “His actual fines were in the millions of dollars, but we are offering a manageable, auspicious number as settlement.”

BBT International is preparing criminal lawsuits against thousands of devotees. And though their actions may fully bankrupt Srila Prabhupada’s movement, the changes will more than likely go unnoticed by most devotees.

Dozens of devotees, most in traditional religious dress, fought with each other for hours, throwing punches, pulling homemade weapons and hurling Molotov cocktails.

“What they are failing to understand,” said Akushala das of the other rioters, nursing a broken femur and concussion, “is that I am lower than the puss on a weeping ulcer of a leper.”

According to sources, Vaisnava Ke das and Abudha das were discussing whose service it was to clean the ashrama bathrooms. Abudha suggested that he was lower than a worm in stool and couldn’t be trusted to properly clean such a holy place as the bathroom of a pure devotee. Abudha das countered by explaining that it was he, not Vaisnava Ke, who was lower than an ant eating the stool of a worm in stool. Abudha then proceeded to punch his opponent in the throat.

Tensions had clearly been mounting, as this simple argument sent this simple temple into a simple riot.

“Though I am most fallen and do not deserve to be in this riot of such advanced devotees, I have been blessed by Lord Sri Krishna with two lacerations to the head and a knife wound in my stomach,” said Himsananda das who was limping and covered in blood.

Throughout the grisly affair, cries of “it is I who am most fallen!” could be heard over the painful screams and homemade explosives.

“How are they not seeing that I am more fallen than the dead flesh eaten by maggots that will most certainly infest my soon-to-be gangrenous arm, which was sliced by a broken bottle of Ganga water,” exclaimed Ciram devi dasi, whose arm, smashed and cut by a cricket bat aligned with sharpened metal spikes, waved useless in the breeze.

GBC sanctioned deputies sped through the temple grounds spraying clouds of tear gas as GBC officers in riot gear attempted to round up the mob in full insurrection.

According to official GBC reports, over 200 devotee rioters are being detained in Mayapura.

Even with GBC presence and arrests, the riot escalated unthought-of levels.

“Oh just see the mercy of Guru and Gauranga!” shouted Madam das, whose body was riddled with bullets, “While I am not worthy to die in the gutter of a latrine where one who has simply tasted prasadam will someday pass stool, I will most certainly leave this wretched, worthless body at such an auspicious time as this in the most holy of holy dhamas!”

The Chowpatty temple, in a press conference given later that day, expressed regret that such true humility had to come to such a violent, but auspicious end.

“We are all equally most fallen,” said Chowpatty spokesperson Arjun Malik. “Though some of us are more equally most fallen than others.”

Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.

The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.

“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”

The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.

Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.

“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”

Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”

Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”

Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.

“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”

But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.

ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”

The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”

Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.

“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”