“It was becoming increasingly difficult to preach inside of a city with so many people,” relates Subhash Jeevanandam, temple president. “The philosophy is so nice that if you preach to them, they want to join up, they want to keep coming back. That becomes big, big expense.”

In order to curtail such a frivolous use of money, the temple management board unanimously voted to move the temple way the hell outside of town where “nobody will find us.”

The Hindu Laxmi Mission Cultural Center co-sponsored the building after the Krishnas agreed to fill half the slots on their temple board with the Mission’s highest-ranking officials.

“Now, we can do fund raising exclusively within the Hindu community,” said Bipal Patel, temple board member. “All of our monetary needs are met through samskaras and birthday parties. What need do we have for street preaching and book distribution?”

The Hare Krishnas had been long-time residents of downtown Albuquerque opening their temple in 1972. Since then, devotees had been a staple of city life. The free Sunday “Love Feasts” were attended and appreciated by city-bound followers, the homeless, curious passers-by and neighborhood residents.

“Yes, many people would come,” said Mr. Patel. “But you would have to preach to them and give them free food and sometimes free books. They had no money for donations. Did they think we were in the business of liberally distributing the Lord’s mercy for free?”

Chris Jenkins, who regularly attended the Sunday feast program, claims that he will miss the downtown temple, “I can’t make it all the way the hell out there on Sunday nights. I work the next morning.”

Temple board members conceded that they will lose some city devotees, but did not express concern. “The city devotees were not self sufficient. They would come and eat our Sunday feast and give only a little donation or maybe buy a book.”

Temple president, Jeevanandam continued, “They could not sponsor feasts or ceremonies. They did not even want car pooja. How are they not wanting car pooja – so fallen! Not only does our new congregation demand car pooja, they sponsor the feasts, and cook them too.”

Since the new congregation is not preached to, book sales have plummeted. The temple has even returned several pallets of unneeded books to the BBT.

“What were we going to do with them?” asked Mr. Patel. “Our congregation now is Hindu, what need do we have for Srila Prabhupada? His books won’t bring as much money as maha-kalasha or pooja thali. Prabhupada always said to do the needful, but what is the need for so many books way the hell outside of town?”

On the first Sunday night without a downtown free feast in 36 years, a crowd gathered near the closed down and boarded up ex-temple. Several brought drums and finger cymbals. One long time attendee softly sang the Hare Krishna mantra as other wiped tears from their eyes before singing along.

“It’s a shame they had to do this,” said Bonnie Clarkson, another weekly attendee from the city temple, “I was really taking to the philosophy. It seemed perfect.” Adding, “maybe we’ll go check out the Narayana Maharaja folks or the Ritviks, at least they still seem to be preaching. Plus they’re not way the hell outside of town.”

The Ganesha Lingam Fountain features Ganesha, the elephant-headed demigod, hugging a Shiva Lingam. According to the manufacturer’s website and catalog, “water flows from top of lingam into lotus flower; internal light in his body glows in the dark.”

The contention seems to have been started by concerned area brahmacari, Mahasucaha das, who, in an angrily written letter to the GBC, described the sculpture as “a raunchy display of Hindu impersonalism at its worst” and demanded that it be taken out of circulation immediately.

The controversial icon went unnoticed by senior devotees until the most recent annual GBC (ISKCON’s Governing Body Commission) meetings. A special top-secret caucus was called to discuss Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s decision to release the fountain.

While the discussions of the meeting are held under tight confidentiality, the exposure of the figurine has stunned many ISKCON devotees.

Immediately following the special caucus, six prominent sannyasis, including three gurus in good standing, publicly stepped down, unable to maintain their strict vows.

“How could I continue in the saffron dress of a renunciate after seeing such an abominable image?” asked Ahirikam das, former sannyasi.

Several other ex-sannyasis are also struggling with their return to householder life, one even marrying the first woman he saw. “If I didn’t marry a woman, the fountain would have made me think so many abominable thoughts.” said newlywed Upadana das.

“Since viewing the fountain of water spurting from the lingam, I have been unable to think of anything else for days, even weeks,” reveled ex-sannyasis Moha das, adding “I am frightened of continuing such a deviant lifestyle.”

Hindu-Tacki Collectibles CEO, Dandal Patel, issued a press release stating he “sees nothing wrong with Ganesha hugging a Lingham with water spurting from its tip.” However, even with the public outcry in mind, he refuses to consider pulling the Lingham fountain from circulation.

Sannyasis weren’t the only victims of this bawdy knick knack. Seven of ISKCON’s thirteen American brahmacaris put on white after hearing of such a display. Dvesha das, ex-brahmacari, relates, “This is just another attempt by corporate Hinduism to proliferate immoral ideals throughout ISKCON.”

Unable to cope with the shock of the figurine, a two of the seven ex-brahmacaris left ISKCON completely, purchasing a pastel-colored historical row house in San Francisco’s Sunset District.

Due to Hindu-Tacki Collectibles’s failure to immediately act upon their wishes, the GBC declared the statue “amoral.” Though many individual temple gift shops have curbed the sale of it, the GBC stopped short of placing a movement-wide ban upon the lurid sculpture of the Lingham.

Instead, they issued a decree that every package containing the Ganesha Lingham fountain be labeled with a Renunciate Advisory sticker to “warn sannyasis and brahmacaris that the contents of the package may be offensive and detrimental to their spiritual wellbeing.”

“Hopefully the movement can recover from this hardship,” said GBC spokesperson Satyendra Nandi, “our job is to focus on the important issues effecting the devotees spiritual lives.” He added, “And today, we can most definitely claim big, big victory.”

“The assembled devotees would be crazy to miss out on such an auspicious event,” Mahavikas said. “But with the new samskaras coming in, the old ones must go, go, go.”

For over a decade, the temple brahmins have offered the same samskaras at competitive prices. But with competition from the larger Shree Pooja Temple only 10 miles away, sales of samskaras have dropped off considerably.

“We must be able to remain an important player in the samskara market,” said temple treasurer Laxmipooja das. “What good will be be if we can’t compete with Big Hindu?”

The temple board quickly approved the sale proposal, though rumors that the brahmins offered board members discounts on Vahana Pooja could not be substantiated.

In a commercial aimed at the large Hindu population, temple brahmin Adwaita Acarya das, known as “Crazy Addie,” appears frantic as he flails his arms. “You’ll save money like never before! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on anything and everything samskara related! Save big, big, big bucks during Crazy Addie’s Samskara Blow Out Sale-O-Rama!”

The ad ends as Adwaita Acarya holds several packs of brahmin threads in his hands, shaking them as he says, “Upanyana for only $108? We’re practically giving the threads away!” Adding, “Our prices are INSANE!”

While the sale includes drastically reduced prices on all samskaras, not all are being dropped to accommodate the forthcoming rites. Standards like Vivaha and Antyeshti will remain while lesser-common rituals such as Shanty Havana, Nskramanam and Vidyarambha will be cut.

“The poojas that we will be adding are based very much on fun,” head poojari Ramesh Chatterjee, announced at a pooja ceremony to announce the clearance sale. “Birthday Pooja, Anniversary Pooja and Engagement Ceremony will all be added.”

He continued, “and if you place security deposit within next thirty day, we will give first class Bhangra DJ at practically no cost to you.”

The sale starts with the month of Phalguna, and will continue through Chaitra, if astrological calculations prove it to be auspicious to do so.