In a move that could be seen as controversial, the Grhasta Bargaining Committee has suggested that, rather than divorce, which is fit only for sudras, Parampati simply retires from the grhasta ashrama and will no longer present himself as a grhasta.

“For many years, our Parampati prabhu has struggled with his grhasta vows,” said temple spokesperson Shankar Mondal. “We are very fortunate to see that this will no longer be such an issue.”

With the drastic rise of divorce within ISKCON, this new precedent could greatly decrease those embarrassing numbers. “Many of our best grhastas are cheating on their wives, which is causing big, big divorce,” reports a Grhasata Bargaining Committee member. “This grhasta retirement practically ensures that scholars and the general public will once again take our movement seriously.”

Since his retirement, Parampati no longer presents himself as a married devotee, adding “my wife and children should simply take shelter of senior vaisnavas.”

Parampati still plans to attend temple programs regularly. In addition, according to temple authorities, he has recently been seen preaching to the karmis at various bars and pubs throughout the city.

“My life hasn’t really changed all that much,” Parampati says of his new status. “I am still preaching very nicely and traveling extensively.” Though, he admits that not everything is as it seems. “I find myself listening to a lot more REO Speedwagon that I previously did.” Adding, “A lot more.”

The Grhasta Bargaining Committee has formed a probation team, made up of other devotee husbands, to monitor Parampati’s progress and to see that he complies with an “open door policy on fun.” The probation team will accompany Parampati on his preaching tour traveling with Ozzfest 2008. “We believe that the reunion of the original members of Black Sabbath will provide fertile ground for preaching to the fallen, conditioned souls.”

Parampati plans to maintain the status of “retired grhasta” for as long as possible. Though in his later years, he hopes to take retired sannyasa initiation from a retired sannyasa guru.

“We used to always be able to find all sorts of things to do within four or five hours from almost any temple,” said Visnuprana, father of two.

The devotee family has worked their way across the US several times, traveling from temple to temple, taking free temple prasadam with them along the way.

“Staying at karmi motels and eating at karmi restaurants is maya. What is the point of traveling if you are not staying at temples?” Said Janavi devi dasi.

Many of America’s most popular tourist attractions are conveniently located near ISKCON temples.

She continued, “We’ve seen Disney World and Disney Land, New York City, been up into the Sears Tower, even visited the stupid St. Louis Arch! We’re running out of ideas!”

Visnupurana added, “It just breaks my heart that the kids will never get to see Mt. Rushmore or Yellowstone Park, they’re just too far away from the nearest temple.”

The family raises money for the vacations by selling “Smile” stickers and tickets for having “too much fun.” This year, however, fun will be at an all-time low.

“All we really wanted was to visit the Grand Canyon,” Said Visnupurana, adding, “I can’t believe there’s not a freaking temple in Flagstaff!”

Janavi continued, “we even checked out the Gatherings section on Krishna.com… nothing even close!”

According to Jayalila, the youngest, last year’s vacation to Rocky Mountain National Park, a few short hours from the Denver temple, “bit the big one.”

Tilaka, 14, added, “Yeah, it was totally obvious they ran out of ideas a couple of years ago after the ‘Let’s check out the Boise, Idaho temple!’ Come on, who goes to Idaho for vacation?”

The family is cautiously awaiting the opening of the Sedona Vedic Cultural Center, less than three hours from the Grand Canyon. “We’re not really sure if it’s devotees or just another Hindu temple,” said Visnupurana, “It’s getting really hard to tell.” Adding, “Anyway, $85 for a room and eight dollars for a plate of prasadam is a whole lot of Smile stickers.”

“If I were to even talk to one woman, soon we would be having nice conversation and then, immediately there would be sexual relations, like that,” Krsnakarna said.

“It is not that I would want to fall down,” Krsnakarna said. “I myself, though the most fallen, only desire to serve Krishna. I am concerned for these poor matajis who are not as strong in their devotion as men.”

He added: “They may see me and become agitated, immediately casting off their saris to attract me.”

When asked who would be taking care of day-to-day errands such as banking and bhoga runs, where encounters with women are most likely to occur, Krsnakarna replied, “Yes, I will simply chant very nicely on beads, like that, and Krishna will arrange nicely.”

Krishna apparently arranged for Vrnda Devi, Krishnakarna’s wife, to take care of such things. She was spotted at the local grocery store, Wal-Mart and Jiffy-lube, juggling three children, two boys and a girl, who Krsnakarna has not spoken to since Ekadasi. When asked about the arrangement, Vrnda had no comment.

It has been rumored that she is no longer speaking to Krsnakarna.

Area matajis living in the temple had mixed reaction to Krsnakarna’s vow. “Does this mean he’s going to stop preaching to the college girls?” Asked temple commander Mother Yamuna, “There are a few brahmacaris who have already volunteered to take over this service. I would ask him myself, but…”

“I guess this means that he’ll be talking about sex even more when he gives class now,” newly converted Bhaktin Jennifer said, adding “What’s up with that? It’s kind of creepy.”

Since Ekadasi, Krsnakarna has avoided all women, speaking only to his wife. This is a radical departure from the accepted ISKCON practice of speaking to all women, except the wife.