CINCINNATI – Hundreds of fixed up brahmacaris rallied in front of the Charmin Toilet Paper Factory in Cincinnati, Ohio calling for a moratorium on the manufacturing of all bathroom tissue.
Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.
The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.
“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”
The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.
Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.
“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”
Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”
Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”
Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.
“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”
But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.
ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”
The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”
Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.
“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”
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29 responses so far ↓
1 HDG HNS // Mar 14, 2008 at 7:26 am
finally, a funny article on the Hing, about time…
2 Sita-pati das // Mar 14, 2008 at 8:15 am
Suddenly the old derelict returns, announcing his entrance: “How are ya?” He is carrying something. He maneuvers his way through the group, straight to the back of the temple, where the Swami is sitting. He opens the toilet room door, puts two rolls of bathroom tissue inside, closes the door, and then turns to the sink, sits some paper towels on top of it and puts two more rolls of bathroom tissue and some more paper towels under the sink. He then stands and turns around toward the Swami and the audience. The Swami is looking at him and asks, “What is this?” The bum is silent now; he has done his work. Prabhupada begins to laugh, thanking his visitor, who is now moving toward the door: “Thank you. Thank you very much.” The bum exits. “Just see,” Prabhupada now addresses his congregation. “It is a natural tendency to give some service. Just see, he is not in order, but he thought that, “Here is something. Let me give some service.’ Just see how automatically it comes. This is natural.”
- Srila Prabhupada Lilamrita
3 Rati // Mar 14, 2008 at 9:13 am
Another brilliant article! I love it! hahhahahhhah!
Hey, by the way, how do you come up with the names?
4 JayaBlissNectar // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Very funny, Eric. Keep them coming – I look forward to next Friday’s laugh.
5 Rati // Mar 14, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Oh yeah, why not article on Gaura Purnima?
6 Maha Devi // Mar 15, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Hari Bol. Okay, I can see you guys are joking around, but sometimes these “women” jokes are just not healthy. Please consider if Krsna Himself was a daily reader of your entries, would He find these jokes as funny as you do? Would He get a good laugh out of it? After all He is Supreme Enjoyer? These so many other safe devotional topics to choose for a good laugh. Please keep gender base laughs clean.
7 Praveen // Mar 15, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I dunno if I agree with you Maha Devi. First, what jokes are you talking about in this article that talks about women? I just did a quick skim and I didnt see any. If you are referring to a different article then you should say so, or post a comment in that specific article.
And, I think Krishna would get a good laugh out of these jokes (except for the ex-car salesman article- but who am I to speak on Krishna’s behalf?!) I think The Hing is pretty funny. And if you knew Eric Prabhu, he’s a pretty hilarious guy.
I dunno what you consider a joke. But I feel that a good joke is all about crossing that line. Its a daring step toward recognizing an issue and showing that you have outgrown or overcome it. There is a difference between making a joke and belittling an issue. But I am more than sure that here on The Hing, its all harmless fun.
8 Rati // Mar 15, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Yeah, I think this comment is actually for the “women are 10 times lustier than cows” article.
Also, I have experienced that people who speak as a second language, ordon’t have a firm grasp of, English don’t usually get this (and some other) kind of humor. (Now the other type of people who sometimes don’t have a good grasp of English is gurukulis. I mean the ones who’s actual schooling, or lack of it was done in gurukula. But I think we’d all get the jokes.)
And I agree with Praveen about Eric. I know he’s had a couple of ideas that are really funny, but just couldn’t figure out how to do them without offending.
9 Rati // Mar 15, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I love the part about the CFO being accused of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”
Hilarious!!!
10 blackcat99 // Mar 16, 2008 at 9:27 am
Totally hilarious!!!! I love the Hing.
11 Halava Maharaj // Mar 17, 2008 at 6:43 am
smudge-tastic!
12 Rati // Mar 17, 2008 at 11:46 am
Hey, I didn’t know Halava took sannyasa…
great comment!
13 Maharaja ki jayho!! // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Halava Maharaj?! That is the fastest bhakta to Maharaja I’ve ever seen!
14 Rati // Mar 17, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Well, I don’t know bhakta halava. But there is a NV kuli called Halava. He’s a really great guy. (But I can’t see him taking sannyasa.)
15 ..isn't it? // Mar 17, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Ever been to a toilet where no one could aim with the lota?
I’ll take my charmin
16 Halava Maharaj // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:25 am
Please accept my blessings and if you feel like donating to one of my preaching projects do get in touch.
Have Danda, Will Travel!
Your Guru Mirage
Halavananda Puri Das Bachelorpad
17 Bhakti Raj Prabhu dasa // Mar 18, 2008 at 1:04 pm
You’re in Maya, Mr. Whipple!
18 Pandu das // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Yeah, this is funny. I even printed it and hung it in the bathroom for extra fun.
But actually there’s more than humor to this. I’m no bramacari, but the a jug of water is far superior to paper. Most toilet paper is made from clearcut forests and generates tremendous pollution. Toilet paper made from recycled paper is not sold in most stores, is quite expensive, and also generates a lot of nasty pollution.
Water has none of these drawbacks, and it gives a much cleaner bottom, faster. Who could imagine cleaning a surface smeared with stool without using water, if they weren’t actually doing it (and not seeing the results)?
19 Madhava Gosh // Mar 28, 2008 at 10:18 am
I printed this article out on some soft paper and left it in my bathroom for any visitors who can’t operate a lota.
20 sraddha // Mar 28, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Brilliant! Although, loo paper *does* come in handy, when transporting a child from the toilet to the shower – stops any messes on the floor
It is worth wasting the trees to print it out and display it on the bathroom door…
21 Bhakta Billy // Apr 19, 2008 at 3:59 pm
lotas huh?
Go Green! Use Lotas!
thank you for awakening me to my eco-waste
I want to change..
Im just so afraid :/
22 Devadeva dasi // May 4, 2008 at 8:20 pm
now this is some funny poop!
23 Ananga-manjari // May 12, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I was nearly choking on my spit with laughter!
24 Rati // May 13, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Hey Nangi! Now there’s a mental image…
xoxox
25 Lovesprout // May 13, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hey Rati,
Was that an image of me choking on spit or me being all “nangi”? Ha ha ha
26 Rati // May 14, 2008 at 11:18 am
Hahahahhaha!!!!! It was the laughing.
27 gaurangi devi dasi // May 4, 2009 at 4:10 pm
too much funny
28 bhuvana-mohan dasa // Nov 19, 2009 at 7:44 pm
This is truly beautiful…..
…….
29 bhaktin jennie // Nov 20, 2009 at 6:50 pm
hilarious!
lotas are an eco-friendly alternative 