LOS ANGELES – The Ritvik movement has announced that it will be disbanding this week after members concluded that their arsenal of silly names for ISKCON gurus has finally been exhausted.
“While the basis of our philosophy is that Srila Prabhupada never told his successors to become gurus in their own right, 95% of our movement was based solely upon silly names for ISKCON gurus,” said Ritvik leader Prema Caitanya das. “And now that we’ve run out, there’s not much more we can do.”
Historically, the Ritvik movement kicked off its campaign of silly names with the now classic “Ravana Svarupa.”
“We knew we were onto something when we discovered that certain ISKCON gurus’ names could easily be changed to something mean or vulgar,” Prema Caitanya said, “We knew it hurt ISKCON deeply.”
To counter these funny names, ISKCON, convinced that ignoring the Ritviks would be enough, waged a war of attrition.
For the next two decades, the Ritvik movement fought an uphill battle against ISKCON’s guru policies. A string of silly names for ISKCON gurus marked their victories.
Perhaps the Ritvik movement’s crowning achievement was the one-two punch of simultaneously changing “ISKCON” to “IT’S-A-CON” and “ISHCON, International Society for Hindu Consciousness.”
“I thought we had them there,” Prema Caitanya reminisces, “it took them several years to recover, and when they did, we hit them where it really hurt.”
Sociology professor, Harold Floyd, an expert in ISKCON relations, agreed. “After the two-pronged “ISKCON” attack, most experts concluded that the feat could not be topped. But coming up with a gem like ‘Rotten-nath’ knocked ISKCON back on its heels.”
“‘Rotten-nath’ nearly dealt us a death-blow,” said ISKCON spokesperson Vivek Shani. “It was a dark time for our movement, we knew that if they hit us once more like that, we would be finished.”
Though devotees and scholars alike questioned how they could top it, as it turned out, it was their swan song. The Ritvik movement struggled for several years since the “Rotten-nath” victory, including several failed silly name attempts.
“Who would have thought that nobody cared about ‘Beer-Krishna Goswami’ or ‘Viper-Mukhya’?” Said Prema Caitanya. We knew we were really at an end when some new Ritvik convert blurted out ‘Shave-ananda Swami’ in an ISKCON chat room.”
According to Prema Caitanya, that is when the Ritvik movement made its decision.
In a press release issued by ISKCON a day after the Ritvik movement’s surrender, it was stated that ISKCON knew all along that “sooner or later the Ritviks would run out of silly names for our gurus.”
As a gesture of goodwill, ISKCON has lifted the ban on Ritvik adherents. Shani asserts that though they have been enemies for so long, “the Ritviks are once again welcome in ISKCON temples.” Adding, “at first they can come and participate in kirtan, but very soon they will be giving class and taking part in temple management.”
Prema Caitanya, who has just recently quit his job as a bank teller to become president of ISKCON’s Birmingham temple, concedes, “I was duped into thinking silly names could prove ISKCON wrong, but through the grace of guru and Gauranga, I could see that I was the one who was mistaken.” Adding, “besides, the pay is better.”
While the Ritvik movement has officially disbanded, it is reported that militant factions of ritvik guerrillas have set up camps on the hills overlooking several rural ISKCON centers. It is unclear what their motives may be. This story is still developing.
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26 responses so far ↓
1 Bhakta Godhead // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:17 am
So far the best bastardisation of a devotee’s name has been the conversion of “Bhagavat Ashraya” into… Bugger Fart Ass Fire. ZING!
2 Rati // Mar 7, 2008 at 9:48 am
Hahahahhaha!!! I love it!
3 Am dasi // Mar 7, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I just think it’s funny how devotees can say “Parikshit” with a straight face, and not bust out laughing!
4 Ekendra Dasa // Mar 7, 2008 at 4:07 pm
What about other non-Vaisnava gurus?
My personal fave is: Such-a-sly-bugger (Satya Sai Baba)
5 Rati // Mar 7, 2008 at 6:08 pm
There’s also curtain-ananda, the bliss of covering things up.
6 Sita-pati das // Mar 7, 2008 at 6:30 pm
It takes the sting out of it to in turn make fun of it.
However, I would not advise anyone to use names like these to refer to anyone.
Devotional names are all auspicious. For example, you get benefit by chanting “Bhagavat Asraya” – the shelter of the Supreme Person who is the abode of all opulences.
You don’t get any benefit from vulgar obscenities. In fact, doing this just reinforces our sewer mentality and perverts the devotional process into another way for us to increase our false ego and envy of the Lord and His devotees.
7 JayaBlissNectar // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Sita-pati das, my friend, you seem to have stumbled upon the wrong website – this one is for devotees who maintain a sense of humour regarding the quirkier aspects of our religion. Just think of all the slokas you could have memorised in the time it took you to post your comment.
8 Sita-pati das // Mar 8, 2008 at 5:46 am
Sorry JayaBlissNectar, I might not have been clear. Let me try that again:
OMG LOLZ! ROTFL!
Mad props prabhu – you’ve done it again, lampooning a subject that some people take too seriously and “making a molehill out of a mountain.”
Of course, there is a subtle difference between laughing at people making obscene versions of devotional names, and laughing at obscene versions of devotional names… one lightens the mood, the other one sends you to hell.
Hope your readers and commenters can tell the difference…
hahahahahha!
9 Bhakta Godhead // Mar 8, 2008 at 8:10 am
Go away, Josh. You’re spoiling our fun. PZ.
10 Dwija // Mar 8, 2008 at 11:01 am
I have to admit it. That last comment of Sita-Pati was pretty funny. I particularly like the smiley faces.
Can’t wait to hear what the “militant factions of ritvik guerrillas” are up to on them there hills.
This promises to be a most excellent journey.
11 Sita-pati das // Mar 8, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Come on Bhakta Godhead, where’s your sense of humour mate?
12 Desi Dasa // Mar 8, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Wait, I get it — *I* am “Vivek Shani” right?
13 J.Tanya McPrabhu // Mar 9, 2008 at 10:14 am
Oh you guys, play nice. hahahaha
14 Dhira // Mar 9, 2008 at 11:30 am
trnad api sunicena
taror api sahisnuna
amanina manadena
kirtaniya sada harih
15 Bhakti Raj Prabhu dasa // Mar 12, 2008 at 10:45 am
After so much good instruction and perfect example by Srila Prabhupada,
I can’t believe that things have come to this. Devotees making fun of devotees’ names and contests in pseudo spiritual wit. How very sad.
16 Rati // Mar 12, 2008 at 10:54 am
Okay, now I’m kind of confused. Isn’t one of the main points of the ritvik movement that Prabhupada didn’t actually instruct anyone to initiate? Lots of time and effort has been put into researching Prabhupada’s words, from both sides.
So how did they miss the numerous times Prabhupada said temples should never pay wages???
Maybe Prema Caitanya Prabhu actually threw in the towel because as he said, “the pay is better.”
17 JayaBlissNectar // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:22 pm
What’s sad, “Bhakti Raj Prabhu dasa”, is that devotees almost habitually take both themselves and their particular worldview too seriously. Such rigidity leads to unfortunate attitudes such as fanaticism, narrow-mindedness and fundamentalism, which pretty much sums up ISKCON – an organisation that lost its way long ago – don’t you think?
18 Bhakti Raj Prabhu dasa // Mar 13, 2008 at 10:34 am
Yeah, I hear ya, JBN. And I suppose that I’m guilty of that rigid worldview, so thanx for bringing me down to earth, which – when it’s all said & done – is where we live. When I said that I felt sad, what I meant was not that kidding around was wrong; God knows the world could use a little humor. It’s just that some of the ‘kidding’ is not kidding. As my dear, departed Aunt once told me, “Raj, many a truth is spoken in jest.” A bit of ‘history o’ me’ may put things into perspective: I was around ISKCON almost from its inception, and at first things were just SO cool and ostensibly emotionally cushy and loving! I think what we may have forgotten in all that ‘1960’s-think’ (admittedly,some of it fueled with LSD) was that, at least at this stage of our spiritual journey, we were human beings with all the built-in ’stuff’ that goes with the territory. I think our idealism and our desire to be ‘perfect devotees’ overshadowed that very important truth. If so many of us – myself included – had not been so rigidly locked in our individual pious comas and cut each other a little slack, perhaps the history of ISKCON might’ve been different.
So when I use the word ’sad’, I guess what I mean is that I would like to see all of us lighten up and come together, realizing that our goal is not just to love God, but also to love one another.
Does this sound OK?
19 JayaBlissNectar // Mar 14, 2008 at 2:09 am
Yeah, sounds fine, Raj. I for one welcome anything that is progressive and light in mood, like this excellent website, for example.
Devotees need new paradigms for both practising and propagating Krsna consciousness. The models currently in use are outdated and there are simply too many sacred cows involved. Let’s have forward-thinking non-conformists who possess some panache and the ability to improvise effectively on what has gone before.
In the meantime satirising some of the ways of old is a valuable exercise.
20 Bhakta David Nollmeyer // Mar 29, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Haribol Prabhus
He who laughs last, laughs the HARDEST.
All gloriies to the assembled devotees.
21 Madhava Gosh // Mar 30, 2008 at 9:57 am
>The models currently in use are outdated and there are simply too many sacred cows involved.
The problem is that the sacred cows of both ISKCON fundamentalists and antiISKCON fundamentalist (like the Rittviks ) aren’t cows.
Ironically, the mold busting move would be to replace the metaphorical sacred cows with real sacred cows. You know, the kind that moo and don’t use toilet paper.
Here’s an idea for a Hing article — a parody of devotees of a Cowherd Boy who offer Him milk from cows that will be slaughtered and then look down their noses at vegans.
No wait, that would be too far fetched, right? Even Maya herself couldn’t pull that mind boggler off.
22 JayaBlissNectar // Mar 31, 2008 at 3:22 am
Sound point, Madhava Gosh – this is precisely one of the areas where devotees need to change their outlook. Devotees’ blatant hypocrisy in using milk products that emerge from a dairy industry notorious for animal cruelty has not gone unnoticed in wider society, especially among those attuned to animal rights.
Maybe after addressing that issue we can remove any references in our “scriptures” to women being less intelligent, something that has alienated innumerable people.
23 premasru // Mar 31, 2008 at 6:01 am
haribol to all you dear people, thank you, thank you, i have waited 20 years to see devotees lighten up and stop taking themselves so seriously. Keep it going.
24 Bh James // Apr 16, 2008 at 5:06 pm
OMK!(oh my Krsna!) This was soooo funny!! Made my day!! But, ya know, there’s some devotees here who actually thought the piece was real…!!
ys Bh James
25 Bhakta David Nollmeyer // Apr 27, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Jaya Obama !!!
The more that things change, the more they
stay the same…
gopi jnanana vallahba
Bhakta David Nollmeyer
26 Appreciative Reader // Jul 20, 2008 at 5:52 pm
“Bhakti Raj Prabhu dasa,” Comment #15, should start a support group with the sour and dour “Elfreda” from “Brahmacarini Gets the Hell Out of the Way” for Hing readers who think other Hing readers are “sad.”